10 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
What makes a couple happy? What makes them successful? What makes it healthy? Specifically, people in healthy marriages tend to have an increased lifespan, have fewer strokes and heart attacks, less mental health illnesses, better cancer prognosis and survival rates, and the list could go on (Perelli-Harris, B., Hoherz, S., Addo, F., Lappegard, T., Evans, A., Sassler, S., & Styrc, M., 2018). Not sold yet, married people have tax and retirement benefits, lower shared costs (i.e., health insurance, groceries, homeowners/ renters insurance, etc.), and better credit score opportunities.
With this being said, even healthy marriages are hard work. They are rewarding, but let’s be honest, it takes a lot of patience, commitment, perseverance, communication, forgiveness, and repair work. It can get even more complicated if our parents were not the best models for healthy marriages. Although love is highly important, being in a long and committed marriage takes more than just love. So, what are the other components to making a marriage successful and healthy?
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like: Healthy Relationships Characteristics
1. Emotion Regulation Skills:
You alone are responsible for managing your emotions. This means you have to be AWARE of how you are feeling and the intensity of those feelings. It is nearly impossible to have a healthy or fair fight when one or both people’s feelings are too high or dysregulated. Why? Because, when our feelings are too overwhelming we tend to do or say mean things. You are crossing physical or emotional boundaries, which is problematic for a number of reasons.
Relationship Advice:
Know what you are feeling and your emotional temperature. If too heated, tell your partner that the problem is important to you and you WILL come back to it when it works for both of you. Let them know your feelings are too overwhelming and are crossing into the out-of-control zone. Therefore, you need to cool off first.
2. Effective Communication Skills:
You have probably heard this one a million times, but communication skills or lack thereof can make or break any relationship, especially a marriage. Problems will arise in your marriage, which is a healthy sign. People without problems in their marriage are either not being honest with themselves or others and/or they are repressing some of their needs. Therefore, the absence of problems in a marriage is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. However, if you struggle to listen in your relationship, please take the time to listen up by reading this article or identify some common barriers to communicating. Perhaps, you have been communicating but you still aren’t getting your needs met. What now? Read this powerful article if you want to know why.
Relationship Advice:
Be intentional about communicating with one another for 5 to 15 minutes each day. Life can get hectic, but carve out the time and prioritize the communication in your relationship. This means really listening to each other and checking in with them. Take turns asking them if each of you feel heard and understood too. For more, read how to communicate effectively in your relationship. Want something deeper, consider this communication workshop for $19, because everyone can benefit.
3. Healthy Boundaries in Relationships:
Boundaries are what physically and emotionally separate you from others. It allows you to have feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, values, and interests. It is what makes you…you. Boundaries are the rules of how you respect yourself and others. It is what helps to protect you. They are the spoken and unspoken rules of engagement, expectations, and limits. It allows you to be distinct, separate, and form an identity.
Why is this important in your marriage? Boundaries allow you to know when you have a need or an unmet need. It allows you to know when your partner has validated your feelings or hurt them. Having healthy boundaries in a marriage is like having a guide book on how you operate, what makes you feel loved and supported, what makes you tick, etc.
Each person in the marriage has or needs to have their own identity to thrive and flourish independently and as a partnership. When your partner respects your boundaries, it improves your relationship. When your partner crosses a boundary, it lets you know you need to communicate and work through it together.
Relationship Advice:
Take time to think if you feel anger or resentment in your marriage. If so, this is a telltale sign your boundaries are being violated or you are overextending yourself when given opportunities to chill. Read this in-depth look at how to set boundaries.
4. Fighting Fair
Fighting is NOT the problem. It is actually a sign of health in a relationship. However, the WAY we fight is really important. How to fight fairly encompasses all of these divorce-proof steps; however, being able to be intentional about how you each bring up conflict and navigate through it is critical.
Remember: You and your partner are not the problem or the enemy. It is a behavior that is a challenge or causing an issue between two people. Again, when you see the annoying and under-your-skin behavior, remember it is a behavior not who they are as a person. When we attack a person, it is never appropriate or respectful. We cross boundaries and become hurtful. Instead, try, “It really makes me feel alone and ignored when I ask for help, but I feel you don’t respond by helping me.
Relationship Advice:
When you and your partner are not in an argument, spend time talking, asking, and listening about how you fight. Be open and receptive. What could improve? How can each of you fight in a way that feels safe and healthy? If apologizing is hard, learn helpful tips to do it well.
5. Collaborative problem solving:
Notice your reaction to this statement. “What is wrong with you? You have anger issues.” Now, how does this one sound, “I feel confused and upset when there is yelling.” This first one places a lot of blame, criticism, contempt, and attacks the person. It also increases defensiveness, which is not likely to result in a positive fighting response. The second one uses i-statement, describes the problematic behavior and does not label a person, and allows the receiver to take ownership of the feeling it produces.
According to Gottman’s, a couple who are marriage experts and researchers, has discovered that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling increases the likelihood of divorce. When we come together to describe a problematic situation or behavior, it allows for change. It is way harder to change someone's fixed personality than a moldable behavior. It allows for growth.
Relationship Advice:
Remember to use I-statements. Describe the behavior as problematic, not the person. Come together to solve a problem. Look for solutions to overcome the problem.
6.Sincere Apology
Repair work might be the single most important thing you can do, yet often the hardest for people to do, and do it well. It means you are coming back to the relationship to check in on the other person. You are showing them that they matter to you…no matter what. It demonstrates that each of you can put the differences aside, apologize through words or actions, work on yourself or together to show up differently in the marriage.
Repair work isn’t some quick apology. It takes time depending on the infraction or hurt in the relationship (e.g., infidelity, argument, etc.). It means it could take weeks, months, and even years. Repair work is about rebuilding trust and trust simply takes time. This doesn’t mean the other person (victim) should punish the other person (perpetrator) but allowing physical or emotional space to grieve and heal. However, it is important to talk about the process openly and be vulnerable with one another. Be patient. Be kind. Show love.
Relationship Advice:
The underlying thread here is that a genuine apology means you actually have to have empathy for your partner. I have outlined the steps below.
How to Apologize:
(1) expressing regret
(2) take ownership
(3) offer restitution
(4) commit to change
(5) request forgiveness
Here is what a sincere apology can sound like:
“I realize I should have brought up such a sensitive topic in a gentler way. I’m so sorry!”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you with my words. That’s the last thing that I want to do. I am going to work to be more thoughtful with how I speak to you.”
“I am know our fight was pretty big and it sounded like we resolved it. However, I just want to check in. How are you feeling about us?”
7. Commitment in Relationships:
This is about a deep decision to be loyal, faithful, and committed to your vows, relationship, and most importantly yourself. It is an act or commitment to yourself. Why? Because you respect yourself and care deeply for others. However, if you struggle with commitment, go to therapy for yourself and those you love. Invest in you, your marriage, and your relationships. If you are struggling with commitment, despite all these attempts, then be honest, truthful, and make the hard decisions to honor you, your partner, and all those involved.
Relationship Advice:
Ask yourself, am I truly committed to my marriage? What are the barriers that get in the way of my marriage being successful? Consider safeguarding your marriage by making decisions to honor and protect the commitment. Also, it may be helpful to share and talk about this with your partner.
8. Having Fun Together:
Be playful. Have you heard the saying, “Those that play together, stay together?” Having fun with each other is likely one reason you connected and dated. As adults, it is so easy to get swept up in the daily grind. Doing the chores, taking care of the kids, cleaning the home, and working can all get in the way. Soon, you forget how to flirt, tease, and play.
Relationship Advice:
What are playful ways to rekindle the fun in your marriage? What kind of fun did you guys have together before you were married? How can you incorporate play time together?
9. Prioritizing the Relationship:
Life can get so busy with work, children, activities, family gatherings, birthday parties, etc.. Think about a typical week. Now, what about each day? How much time do you actually communicate with your partner? You might think often because of texting or a quick phone call.
However, let’s dig deeper. Think about the pattern of communication between the two of you. Is it transactional or transformational? Transactional communication is a way to coordinate and exchange information. It is important and necessary because it allows us to function quickly and effectively; however, it is not the way we feel an emotional connection. It doesn’t give us the emotional pulse on our partners or the relationship.
We have to actually feel something in a transformational connection. The way humans feel connected emotionally, is by transformational communication. When we actually pause and take time to listen the other person feels seen, heard, and understood. This enhances the quality of our marriage.
Relationship Advice:
Carve out 15 minutes with your partner each day to just listen to how they are doing. Ask them how they are feeling. What has been on their mind lately? If able, schedule a date for just the two of you. This can be at-home or going out, especially if there are financial and/or childcare limitations.
10. Create Emotional Safety:
Being able to feel physically and emotionally safe is so critical for any and every one. What does being safe even mean? Feeling safe isn’t just about having a home/shelter, food, and love. It is about consistently showing up in the same way for some where a person feels free to be themselves, feel loved and valued unconditionally, and that you will always be there for them no matter what.
Relationship Advice:
Ask yourself, do I make my partner consistently feel safe, seen, loved, and valued? If not, what do I need to do to be safe for my partner. Then ask, when can my partner do to make me feel safer? Can you communicate and discuss this with your partner openly?
*If you are in an unsafe/abusive relationship:
Call: 1-800-799-7233
Chat: chat.thehotline.us
Text: 88788
Relationship Advice for Women
As always, thanks for reading! We are all about teaching people, especially women, who to have more satisfying relationships. Sign up for our newsletter to receive our newest blogs right to your inbox!
References:
Canevello, A., & Crocker, J. (2010).Creating good relationships: Responsiveness, relationship quality, and interpersonal goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 78–106. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018186
Gomez-Lopez, M., Viejo, C., & Ortega-Ruiz, R. (2019). Well-being and Romantic Relationships: A Systematic Reveiw in Adolescences and Emerging Adulthood. International Journal of Environment Research and Public Health, 16(13), 2415. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16132415
Lisitsa, E. The Four Horseman: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, & Stonewalling. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Perelli-Harris, B., Hoherz, S., Addo, F., Lappegard, T., Evans, A., Sassler, S., & Styrc, M. (2018). Do Marriage and Cohabitation Provide Benefits to Health in Mid-life? The Role of Childhood Selection Mechanisms and Partnership Characteristics Across Countries. National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnological Information. doi: 10.1007/s11113-018-9467-3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30546176/
United States Census Bureau. (2023). U.S. Marriage and Divorce Rates for Women by State: 2011 & 2021. https://www.census.gov/library/visualizations/interactive/marriage-divorce-rates-by-state-2011-2021.html