How To Set Boundaries In Relationships
Has anyone ever crossed your boundaries? How did you know? I went to a new dentist for a cleaning. After the hygienist did her thing, the dentist came in to give my teeth a final assessment. After the exam, she hugged me and said “bye, girl!” Now, I’m not opposed to hugging as a general rule, but it felt a bit uncomfortable when she did that. I don’t tend to hug my medical providers and I really would rather only hug people with whom I have more of a long-standing relationship. That discomfort was an internal signal that she crossed my boundary!
Boundaries Definition
There’s a lot of talk these days about boundaries. It has become a bit of a buzzword. I think we need to slow down and figure out what it even means. Simply put, setting boundaries is setting limits. It’s you communicating to others (and to yourself) how you expect to be treated. Ultimately, boundaries are about honoring your values, needs, and feelings. Having and owning your boundaries says “I matter and how I feel and move through the world matters, too.” To learn more about what a boundary is check out one of my favorite books, Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Boundaries can be either physical or emotional. Boundaries look different depending on the type of relationship. Boundaries show up in words and in behaviors. The boundaries that you have are influenced by your culture, life experiences, traumatic experiences, the region in which you live, and your value system.
Benefits of setting boundaries
Bolsters your self-respect
Helps to conserve your energy
Models how to set and hold boundaries to those around you (i.e., kids, partner, etc.)
Leaves you feeling more empowered
Provides a sense of agency
Ultimately, it improves relationships!
Boundaries for women
There’s this belief that some of us women have been raised with. The heart of it is that it’s not OK to have boundaries. It’s the belief that we have to sacrifice our own health for our partners and kids (that that’s what “good” moms and “good” wives do). It’s a belief that the more needless we are, the better women we are. There’s a reason #momguilt continues to be a trending hashtag! This is tied into the belief that women can “have it all.” Maybe we can “have it all”, if we are willing to run ourselves ragged. But then again, do we really even have it all if it takes that kind of self-sacrifice?
One of the very unfortunate realities of womanhood is that 1 in 3 women experience violence. 1 in 4 have experienced violence by an intimate partner by the time they are 24 years old. This matters and is relevant because we live in a world where this most tragic of boundary violations happens to women more often than any of us would like to really think it does. It can start to set a deeply held intrinsic belief that our boundaries won’t be honored. If this is you, we see you and are holding space for you.
Let’s work to change this “good women are needless” narrative. Let’s work to change it for our mothers, our grandmothers, our daughters, and their daughter to come. Let’s work to change this for humankind, as it serves everyone when we take care of ourselves.
You have the right to have needs
You have the right to say “no”
You can say “no” to opportunities for your child and still be a good mom
You have the right to speak to up about your discomfort
You have the right to ask for help
You have the right to change your mind about what you need and about what you can handle
If this resonated, check out this assertiveness guide for women. It’s awesome!
How to set boundaries in a relationship
Self-reflection- Start trying to identify your values.
Here are some guiding questions: What is important to you? What makes you feel respected? Picture times you felt disrespected- what were the qualities of that interaction that made you feel that way? Are there things/topics you like to keep private?
Notice how it feels physically and emotionally when someone bumps into your boundary.
Decide if you’re willing to verbalize your boundary.
Use effective communication skills like I-statements and assertiveness.
Make sure to clearly articulate what you need/want or are unwilling to do.
Example of boundaries in a relationship
Boundaries with kids
“Please don’t sit on mama's lap right now. Mama’s body needs a break. I’d love for you to sit right next to me on the floor and we can play legos.”
“I will get you another snack as soon as I am done making my tea.”
“No.”
“Mama wants privacy while she goes potty. Please keep the door closed.”
“That’s not something I can do right now.”
I’m so sorry you’re angry. And I can’t let you hit your sister. I’m going to take her out of harms way for now.
Walking away and taking some deep breaths until your body is calm.
Boundaries with older kids
“It sounds like going to that party is really important to you. Unfortunately, I’ve had a heck of the week and I’m reserving Friday night for self-care so I am unable to both drop you off and pick you up. I wonder if Sarah’s mom could handle pick up?”
“No.”
“That’s not something I am can do today.”
Walking away and taking some deep breaths until your body is calm.
If setting boundaries with kids is something your interested in check out our parenting workshops!
Boundaries at work
“I am not able to come into the office on Saturday. I reserve the weekends for my family.”
Doing your job and not the job of others.
Setting a time at which you stop checking your work email.
Using your vacation days!
Boundaries in marriage
“It’s important to me that you don’t share the details of our arguments with your brother. It makes me really uncomfortable.”
“I’m feeling frustrated with the division of labor in our relationship. I’d like to sit down and talk with you about it.”
What happens when we don’t have boundaries?
Relationship dissatisfaction
Burnout
Anger
Resentment
Unhelpful coping (i.e., that extra glass of wine, eating too much, etc.).
Avoidance and boundaries are not the same thing
I often hear people talking about how they didn’t do this or that and how it’s because they were holding their boundary. That’s awesome, when it’s true! Sometime, it’s not actually true. Sometimes, we are avoiding doing something, having an interaction, or being with a certain person because it’s going to be uncomfortable.
It can be hard to tell if we are avoiding versus drawing a boundary, especially because avoidance sometimes parades around like a strong boundary. Boundaries are intentional and thoughtful. We actively choose what they are and when to enact them. Avoidance tends to be reactive and is usually passive.
One of the ways to spot avoidance is to be on the lookout for very rigid, inflexible “boundaries.” This can look like intolerance or “cancel culture.” These types of “boundaries” are usually in place simply to avoid discomfort in the moment.
Boundaries can be flexible and can change
A sign of healthy boundaries is openness to reassessing. Sometimes life circumstances change or people that we’ve limited our contact with change and grow. Sometimes, we change and grow (hopefully). Maybe we’ve grieved and made space in our hearts to forgive someone who hurt us or sometimes our value system shifts dramatically. For that reason, sometimes it’s important to add “right now”, “in this moment” or “yet” to the end of our boundaries.
For example, “I’m not ready to welcome you back into my life yet.”
Just remember, you always have the right to change your mind. Boundaries are not set in stone for all of time.
Relationship Advice For Women
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