Teaching Kids: How to Make and Maintain Friendships
When you were a kid or teen, did someone ever teach you what it meant to be a good friend? To be a bad friend? How friendships come and go? What to do when you feel peer pressure? What about the importance of having all different kinds of friendships? Many parents in my parent’s generation had a more hands off approach. My dad frequently said, “Let them just figure it out.” Man, I wish I had someone helping me learn some of these skills early. If anything, it would have normalized a lot of what I experienced.
Navigating friendships is complicated because relationships are hard work! It is especially hard for kids because I don’t think there is a lot of explicit instructions other than the typical ‘how to share,’ ‘how to say please and thank you,’ ‘waiting in line,’ and ‘how to take turns.’ What about the more nuanced social skills like what to say when you feel betrayed, how we show kindness, how to forgive and repair a relationship, how to talk through conflict, and how to walk away from a friendship with respect. Even these scenarios are embedded with so many nuanced challenges. It is further complicated by social media and the social ramifications created by Covid-19.
Kids/teens are actually just like adults. The same skills and concepts apply. As child psychologists, we are simply educated in child development, and then modify the same adult concepts to a kids developmental age. It is important that we teach these foundational skills when kids are young, so they have the tools available to them when they are older. And yes…it is a lot of work, and it is exhausting! I don’t teach at all times or in every moment because it is hard on me; however, I do try to capitalize on these moments when I have the emotional resources and time to do it.
Pro-tip: Someone’s chronological age is simply actual age based on their birth date. Psychologists often reference developmental age, which corresponds with their level of social, emotional, behavioral, intellectual, and/or adaptive functioning.
Example: Even though I have a 4-year-old (chronological age), she may think like a 6-year-old (intellectual age), socially act like a 4-year-old (social age), and emotionally function like a 3-year-old (emotional age).
What are signs of a great friendships?
We have to start off by teaching our kids about healthy relationships! This applies to all relationships, not just friendships. We can take these complicated concepts and teach them to kids by modifying and applying them to their developmental level and age. And…it starts with OUR relationship with our kids. We are our child’s first TEMPLATE.
Honest/ Genuine/ Authentic/ Vulnerable
Feeling Safe
Accepting of Help/Eager to Give Help
Offers Physical or Emotional Support
Recognizes Boundaries
Respectfully Challenges You
Accepts You for You
Shows Appreciation with Words or Gestures
Reciprocal
Eager to Repair Ruptures/Forgiving/Asks for Forgiveness
Open Communication
Bring Out the Best in You
Holds Your Accountable without Judging You
Example: I noticed my 4-year-old was crawling around and playfully blocking my 16-month-old from moving where she wanted to go. These were clear attempts to engage and play with her younger sister. It was sweet; however, it was frustrating the youngest. I instinctively wanted to scold my oldest with, “Stop doing that. She doesn’t like that.” While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, it isn’t exactly teaching my oldest what to do or how to engage her little sister in age-appropriate ways. She lacked the skills to know how to play with at 16-month-old toddler. Of course, she doesn’t know how! If I resorted to my initial desire to reprimand my oldest, the behavior would continue in that moment and in the future. She also might feel shame and guilt because of my reaction.
What did I do instead? Well, I stopped whatever chore I was doing (YES, THIS WAS HARD), and showed my oldest daughter how to play with her sister by copying her vocalizations and gestures (e.g., clapping hands), and then playing peek-a-boo and chase. Both were happy, and I was able to move back to my daily tasks. These types of scenarios happen constantly. I try to use these moments to imagine what it is like to be 4 and never assume my child inherently knows how to do something. It usually helps in the long-run, reduces frustration for everyone, and teaches valuable skills.
Teach Social Skills
If you are wondering what to do if you didn’t teach your younger kids these skills…it is never too late. I teach these skills to kids, preteens, and teenagers ALL the time. One of my teenage patients actually told me recently that they lacked social skills due to the pandemic. How insightful and accurate! Below are some tips to help you help your child or teen navigate friendships and relationships.
A) Young kids: If you notice or observe your younger kid(s) having a conflict with a sibling or friend, you might want to intervene in a helpful and non-shaming way. Try the following tips.
B) Pre-teen or teens: If your older pre-teen or teen starts to talk to you about the problem, try the following tips.
1. Acknowledge the problem.
Whether you are observing the conflict or hearing about it, state what you think the problem is. If you don’t have it right, your child will correct you or say something along the lines of, “Yeah, kind of” and “No, that isn’t it.” If you nailed it, they tend to something like, “Yeah,” “Exactly,” or “Yes.” Below are some ways you can state the problem.
o “It seems like you feel left out.”
o “You want to play with them, but they aren’t playing with you.”
o “It seems like it is really hard to make friends at school.”
o “It seems like some of the people can be unkind to you.”
o “It seems like people at school are in cliques and no one can break out of them, or you face social isolation.”
o “It seems like you and your friend are disagreeing, and you guys don’t know how to resolve it.”
2. Validate Feelings.
Validate, validate, and validate! No matter the situation or whether you disagree, validate the emotions. You can’t go wrong with this skill! It is so important to notice how they are feeling and validate their emotional experience. People need to feel heard and understood before anything else. If you jump to problem-solving mode, then your ideas will likely get rejected. They may shut down and not come to you with their problems in the future.
o “You seem really upset.”
o “That looks like it feels lonely and sad.”
o “Wow, that is really hard. It seems like you are really mad.”
o “It seems like you feel lonely.”
Common feeling when there is trouble in a friendship:
Mad Annoyed
Overwhelmed Upset
Frustrated Nervous
Confused Lonely
Isolated Hurt
Pro tip: If they don’t know how they feel, try saying, “You aren’t sure how you feel, but you know something feels ‘not right’, ‘icky,’ ‘wrong,’ ‘bad inside,’ or ‘uncomfortable.’
3. Problem-Solving Skills
Problem-solving is a major deficit with many of the children and teens I work with. If they have a problem with a friend or relationship, they struggle to effectively know how or what to do. Why is this so important?
· Non-punitive/non-shaming/non-judgemental
· Reduces frustration in relationships
· Teaches effective communication skills
· Usually enhances relationship satisfaction
· Teaches ways to resolve conflict
· Involves honesty
· Develops empathy because learning to take others perspective
· Learning how people’s behavior impact others
I really appreciate collaborative problem-solving skills and proactive solutions developed by Dr. Ross Greene. If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend checking out his books, Raising Human Beings and The Explosive Child. The main tenants of problem-solving:
· Identifying the problem
· Generating solutions
· Discussing the pros or cons of each solution
· Selecting the one with the most or everyone’s agreement
· Review the solution
For instance, my 4-year-old told shared that a friend at preschool told her she can’t be her friend if she plays with other kids.
I replied, “It sounds like she hurt your feelings. She may not know it is important to have all different kinds of friends and she will always be your friend even if you play with others too.”
She said, “Yeah, that’s it.”
I responded, “Let’s see if we can solve this problem. What are some ways you can tell her it is important to have all different kinds of friends and that she will always be your friend even if you play with others?”
I provided an opportunity for her to generate her own solutions, while offering some suggestions, even funny and ridiculous ones (i.e., tell the teacher, tell her you can’t be friends with her then, etc.). If I came up with all the suggestions myself, she loses out on developing problem-solving skills and learning how to navigate friendships effectively.
She liked the one where she said, “I know your friends with me. I want to be friends with other people too. I am still your friend though.” She landed on one that sounded just right by saying, “I like this one, it is a great idea,”
* We also live in an age of cancel-culture, which stresses that if something or someone does not align with your values, then “cancel” or “get rid” of the thing or the person from your life. While we do need to put boundaries up, which may sometimes include cancelling or not having a relationship, it is often used maladaptively.
4. Boundaries
Smaller kids:
It is crucial to start teaching our children about boundaries in friendships. It usually starts with sharing and kids most often struggle to share their toys until they are older. I know teenagers and adults who still struggle with this still.
With our younger kids, we encourage or make them share. It is even taught on shows like Daniel Tiger. While sharing is caring, we also want to teach our children that it is okay to not want to share a toy all the time. We might teach them to hide a toy in their room from their siblings or while a friend is visiting. We might teach them to keep playing with the toy but put a timer on so the friend can have a turn.
What is the message we want to teach our kids? We want to teach them sharing (e.g., our time, help, and objects) is an invaluable skill in life, AND it is okay to have boundaries. Both things are important and can be true! When we give our kids a choice and some agency (a.k.a. through problem-solving), then we are equipping them these social skills into older children and adults.
Pre-teens and Teens:
With pre-teens and teens, they naturally and appropriately pull away from their caregivers and spend more time with their friends. This is a rocky time where they want independence and freedom but have a lot of dependency needs. They will still come to you for help or show you they need help with their behaviors, especially if they show a sudden change in their usual behavior (e.g., sleep or eat patterns change, withdrawing or isolating, grades change, act more irritable, etc.).
As caregivers, it is crucial to teach pre-teens and teens about healthy friendship boundaries regarding:
social media communication
sexting/ nude pictures
sex education and safety
peer pressure with drugs and alcohol
riding in a car with a friends under the influence
what to do if they or a friend is self-harming or suicidal
If we could teach your teenager one thing: BE TRUE to YOURSELF!
Sign Up For Our Newsletter
Subscribe to our newsletter so you don’t miss it our upcoming articles.
Sign Up for Our Workshops
Join two psychologists for our 60-minute workshops (of course, you have access to the recording, too)! We have one on what gets in the way of good communication and a three part series on taming big feelings with your kid(s). Have a teenager? Try taming intense feelings with your teen(s).