Parenting With Self-Compassion
It’s hard to put the experience of motherhood into words. It’s such a felt experience. It’s deeply visceral and so much of what we do and how we respond is driven by instinct and intuition; it’s often driven by who we are at the moment in time. I think that’s why motherhood feels so personal. Maybe dad’s feel it, too. I suspect motherhood feels different. We literally grow a human. It doesn’t get much more personal than that.
It also seems like our culture is hard on mothers. It sets impossible standards. There’s this expectation that we should be able to do ALL the things ALL the time and that we should want to do this, we should enjoy it while we are doing it, and we should be good at it. There’s this idea that since it’s “natural” it should be easy.
Then we add to the mix that we are in an age of so much information. On one hand, it’s wonderful. We have access to a way of parenting that generations before us didn’t have. There is a cultural shift that is recognizing that kids are human beings worthy of dignity of respect. It is fundamentally changing how we parent. We are realizing that we can have boundaries and limits while also validating our kids and helping them learn to manage their feelings. We are moving away from shame-based methods and methods that are rooted in the belief that the “the parent is always right.” I love all of that and I also think mothers are feeling overwhelmed. It brings up more fear about “getting it right” and not “messing up” our kids. With all this new knowledge comes this tremendous responsibility and pressure.
This is the perfect storm to create mothers who are incredibly hard on themselves. Though, I’ve seen it across generations of women, both in my own family and in my clinical practice. We beat ourselves up for not having foreseen something that was painful to our children, for not preparing them well enough to handle the bullying, the heart break, and so on and so forth. We blame ourselves for what we didn’t do and for what we did do.
So, where is the middle ground? How do we find that space where we can take appropriate and proportionate ownership of our mistakes and have self-compassion for the fact that we are human, too? Where is the space where we don’t stay stuck in shame? The space where we can grow and change and apologize and repair. The space where our humanness is an asset and not a liability.
The gender gap in self-compassion
I am so much harder on myself than my husband when it comes to parenting. I’ve noticed this tends to be true in most male-female couples. I think it has a lot to do with those societal expectations discussed above, but I think there’s more to it than that. Women tend to carry the emotional load in the family. This also means that we usually carry most of the burden of the decision making for our children.
Here’s an example of what I mean. My family and I live in the mountains in a not so big, not so small city. My toddler desperately needs swim lessons. They are incredibly hard to come by in my area. There are basically two places that do them and they are usually full. I have been thinking about how he needs swim lessons for a year and a half. I have been on waiting lists, on mom groups trying to get the inside scoop, etc.
I have even woken up in the middle of the night thinking about the state of my son’s swimming. I’ve had crazy thoughts like “he will never learn to swim” and “maybe he will be afraid of water his whole life”, and “what if he drowns in the lake?” I know it sounds nuts, but I think it’s about more than the state of his swimming. I think it’s about feelings solely responsible for figuring it out. With that comes feeling really responsible when things don’t work out or when the decision turns out to be a poor fit for your kid. We usually shoulder the burden and therefore feel more responsible for the result.
In this age of much more involved fathers (which is an awesome thing), mother’s still continue to manage most of the emotional load of their households. It’s time for an even greater shift. It’s time as a culture that we acknowledge the load and spread the love to our partners. It’s much easy to have self-compassion when we are part of a collaborative team.
Are you actually triggered?
When our internal voice is super critical and perhaps way louder/ more intense than is necessary or warranted in the situation it is usually because we are triggered. For example, if you grew up in a home that encouraged compliance through shaming you and you find yourself using a similar tactic, though it might not even have been intentional, when you become aware of what you are doing, you may experience an intense wave of guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. So the internal dialogue goes from “that was not my best moment” to “I am screwing my kids up royally” or “I am no different than my own mother.”
The first step is becoming aware of those childhood raw spots. Sometimes you’ll stubble across these things in these moments when your reaction gets big. Sometimes you’ll learn about them when your processing parenting moments and swapping stories with girlfriends, your partner, etc.
The next step is to take time to pause and to connect with the kid inside of you. Connect with the pain. Have compassion for her and what she did not get in that moment. Have compassion for how that unmet need or unhealthy pattern has impacted your relationship to others and to yourself. If your body is activated, use strategies to calm it down. We can’t make compassionate choices or have compassionate thoughts when our body is in overdrive.
Last, realize you are safe now. You are an adult. You have agency over what you do next and what you are saying to yourself and others.
What is self-compassion?
There’s so much research looking at the definition of self-compassion. I think this lends itself not only to how important it is, but also how hard it is to understand and to actually implement into our lives. There is a whole therapeutic approach call Compassion Focused Therapy and it was created by Paul Gilbert. This treatment is used to treat self-loathing, shame, and self-criticism.
Let’s talk about some of the components of self-compassion. First is self-kindness. This is really about meeting ourselves with tenderness and supportive warmth when we “mess up” or make a mistake or “fail.” Being able to meet ourselves with self-kindness requires a genuine understanding that imperfection and messing up are an inherent part of the process of being human. It requires the ability to separate what you did or didn’t do from who you are. The process opposite to self-kindness is self-judgment.
Next is Common Humanity. This is the recognition that suffering and messing up are part of the human condition. It is part of the experience for everyone, not just yourself. It’s just part of being alive. Pain and suffering are inevitable. The process opposite to common humanity is isolation.
Last is Mindfulness. Mindfulness refers to the ability to be aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting stuck in a place of judgment. So to be able to say “today felt really hard” versus “I was a really bad mom today.” It’s about having a balanced approach to our feelings and thoughts. So not a rosy approach and not an overly negative one. A clear view of what happen and how we feel allows us to acknowledge what was hard/didn’t go well and to do so in a way that isn’t damning or punitive to who we are.
How to change your language to incorporate compassion
First, seperate what you did or didn’t do from who you are. What we did or said does not exactly equate to our personhood. Has anyone you love ever said something that hurt you? The answer is most definitely “yes.” Is that person an awful human all the way around? Are they just rotten or bad? The answer is almost certainly “no.” Same goes for you. Separate the behavior from your personhood. We all make mistakes. Feeling badly about something doesn’t mean you are bad.
Next, try and remove judgement words from your self-statements. Let’s try it out…
Instead of “I am a bad mom” try “I am struggling to figure this motherhood thing out” or “How I handled that didn’t feel align with my values.”
When you notice sweeping generalizations like “I am a bad mom” that’s a good indicator that you need to pause and look at what you just said to yourself. It is rare that a sweeping, all or nothing generalization is true. Look at what you just said to yourself and get more specific. So “I am a bad mom” might turn into “I do not like how I handled it when my son hit that kid in the park with a stick.”
Still having trouble finding self-compassionate language? Here’s a trick. Ask yourself, what would I say to a friend if they shared this with me? What would I say to my child if they were in a similar situation? Nine times out of ten, we are tender, loving, and extend a ton of grace to those close to us. There is no reason why we should be the exception to that rule.
How to use your physical space to create support self-compassion
Self-compassion is not just in our language. When you are hurting it’s equally as important try and find nurturance in our physical space. This can look like taking a bubble bath or long, hot shower. This can look like turning the lights low and listening to soothing music. Give yourself space to nurture your soul and to repair your injury. This can also mean asking for physical touch and affection from people you care about. This might be from your partner or it might be snuggling your toddler while they are watching their favorite show.
Imperfection as a parenting tool
Recently a parent shared an example with me where she lost her temper and became dysregulated at the dinner table. She was triggered by kids fighting and by her kids using unkind language to describe the dinner she cooked for the family. She lost it and sent half the children to their room. It was just her and her oldest daughter left at the table.
Her daughter looked at her and said “It’s OK, mom. Everyone gets dysregulated sometimes.” When she shared this with me, I forgot about what she did that was “wrong” or “bad.” I was swept away by how beautifully imperfect that moment was with her daughter. I thought about how it tied them together as humans, not as mother or daughter. At the end of the day we are all human beings and part of being human is faliablity. Her daughter spoke that truth in only the way that a child can. It was so honest, loving, and validating. Now she also knows that it’s OK to make mistakes. She knows that she loves her mother, even when she doesn’t agree with how she handled things. It is clear that imperfection is one of the ways that she is learning to adopt a compassionate frame towards others and ultimately towards herself.
Self-compassion is not the same as accepting complacency
We can have self-compassion and still want to improve upon our parenting skills. We can still be interested in finding new and improved ways of getting through to our kids and of managing our own intense feelings. Having self-compassion is not the same as being invested in the same old song and dance even if it’s not working or doesn’t align with who we want to be. Having self-compassion can turn ordinary parenting moments into moments where we can grow and change. Having self-compassion literally creates emotional space to do things differently, whereas self-criticism sucks all the air out of the room.
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