Big Feelings: A How to Guide to Help Parents Manage Tantrums

“I hate you. I don’t love you anymore.” Have you heard this from your child(ren)? How do you respond after they say something that is hurtful? Do you wonder what to say or do, so they don’t do this again? It is really hard when you hear these types of things from your child. We often personalize and attribute it to our parenting. You may ask or say things like, “What am I doing wrong,” “Where did I go wrong,” and/or “I have failed them.” You May worry that others may think “what is wrong with that kid.”

A one-size-fits-all approach to parenting is usually not helpful. This is why many parents say, “Well, that doesn’t work for my kid. I have tried that.” Just like adults, all kids are different. How we think, what motivates us, what drives our behavior, what pisses us off, how we feel connected and loved…is vastly different person to person! Rather than rely on a trial-and-error approach, what if you could be more intentional or purposeful? What if your parenting skills and discipline techniques were effective?!

While this blog post will definitely not come close to fixing every problematic situation and challenging behavior, it is a foundational template to use no matter the circumstance. It is a LIFESTYLE parenting approach. It will equip you to think like a psychologist. As a child clinical psychologist, I use this in therapy with my work with children and their families as well as with my own children. Remember, when we are wanting to change an outcome, we must first look at ourselves and recognize change takes time! Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your child. Yes, it is HARD! Yes, you CAN do this!

What to do when your child says hurtful things or acts out?

 1.     Be curious.

What do you think your child is feeling in those moments? What is my child trying to communicate? What is my child saying behind those words? What is my child’s tone and body language telling me? What is the feeling behind those words?

a) Situational Factors

Are they overly tired? Are they hangry? Are they overstimulated? Are they adjusting to a change in their lives or schedule? Do they need affection or adult attention? Do they need more intellectual stimulation? Did they have caffeine or excessive sugar?

Asking these types of questions helps us put emotional distance and time between our kids BIG feelings and our reactions. It helps us understand that there are things that are causing or escalating the situation. Knowing what is driving the behavior can help us know how to respond!

b) Lack of Skills

Does my kid have the skills to handle these BIG feelings? Children are taught how to communicate, argue, disagree, or collaborate, just like how we teach our child(ren) how to share, etc. Learning how to communicate starts at an early age. Whether healthy or unhealthy, it is often modeled by caregiver(s) and other important adults in your child’s world. If you did not learn healthy communication skills as a child and struggle as a parent, not to worry, you can learn at any time. Our workshop is great place to learn your style of communication and ways to improve! Great communication takes explicit instruction and lots of practice!

2.     Validate the emotion, NOT the behavior.

This means it is important to distinguish between feelings and behavior. It is easy to personalize it, but do NOT be fooled. When your child(ren) says something hurtful, hold that tiny space between your thoughts/feelings and your reaction/behavior as well.

If your kid(s) has a tantrum, kicks, screams, hits, or says hurtful things, they are experiencing BIG feelings. Angry? Afraid/scared? Hurt? Abandoned? Perhaps, they are feeling more than one way. When our emotional temperature is too elevated, we often say or do things we regret! Sometimes we might be feeling anger (secondary emotion), but underneath it we feel scared and afraid (primary emotion). They may mask how they are really feeling on the inside (shhh…just like adults).

It is important to reflect back what you think they may be feeling(s); however, there is nothing worse than someone else telling you how YOU feel. If you tell someone, “You are mad,” you will likely get, “No, I am not.” Only label your own emotions! Use words like, “It seems,” “It sounds,” “I imagine,” or “I wonder” before you validate the feeling.

Example: “It sounds like you are really angry. It is okay to feel angry.”

3.     State inappropriate behavior.

Without shaming or embarrassing your child, simply state what behavior is inappropriate and disrespectful. This means you need to feel emotionally regulated or in control of your feelings.

Say: “I understand that you might be VERY mad with me. That is okay to feel mad. It is not okay to say hurtful things.”

Say: “I understand that you might be VERY mad with mommy. That is okay to feel mad. It is not okay to bite/kick/punch/throw. I will not let you (hit/bite/kick). Use your words, I am listening.”

Hopefully, there is a lot of proactive approach to prevent aggressive behavior.

 4.     Foot in the door apology.

I am not a big fan of demanding apologies from my child. It usually does not come from a sincere place, nor does it teach intrinsic motivation for prosocial behavior. I want my child to come tell me they are sorry when they really mean it.

Do: Encourage “I am sorry” by first being vulnerable. It helps reduce feelings of embarrassment and shame for your child.

Say: “When I have said some hurtful things to someone, I felt sad later. I learned saying I am sorry can help me and the other person feel better.”

 5.     Problem-solve

I am a big fan of Dr. Greene’s work on collaborative problem-solving. His book, The Explosive Child, 6th Edition talks about this technique in practical terms. This is a highly effective skill for all children and adults!

• Identify the problem

• Invite and discuss the pros and cons of all the solutions in a non-judgmental way

• Decide on what solutions might be best and try it.

• Later review together to see if the solution worked.

• Praise and reward!

Example: “Honey, I see that you are upset. Use your words, so I can understand. Then, we can see if there is a way to help or make it better for you.

6.     Show LOVE and GRACE.

It is important to let children know that no matter what they do or say, you will not withhold love and affection from them. This creates a safe space for children to learn skills! These are skills that MUST be taught. We are not born knowing how to do all this.

1)     You are there to teach them how to identify and understand their feelings.

2)     You are there to validates the emotion, NOT the behavior.

3)     You are there to teach them the boundaries of what is ok and not okay.

4)     You are there to teach prosocial behavior (e.g., sharing, saying I am sorry, accepting rules).

5) You are there to model what healthy relationships look like, because you are PRESENT! You are by their side no matter what. They are NOT alone.

6)     Creates a safe space for children to learn and thrive

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If you found this article helpful be sure to sign up for our newsletter to stay updated on our new articles and workshops. If communicating is of particular interest to you, you’re in luck! This article is part of our communication series on parenting. Stay tuned for information on how to talk to your kids when YOU are dysregulated and a deep dive into talking with your teen.