How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Partner
While I have learned so much about how to have healthy and communicative relationships from graduate coursework and being a therapist, I have to say that my nearly 20 years of “on the job” training with my husband has probably taught me the most. We’ve build a beautiful life with mutual respect and affection and have had hard seasons where neither of us were showing up as our best selves. My marriage is what has taught me how those fancy therapy techniques play out in real life, how they play out in a real relationship. So, if you are reading this because you are in a difficult place with your partner, I see you and I’ve been there. I am holding space for your heartache and there are practical ways to make improvements.
This article will be focused on what YOU can do. Folks sometimes come into therapy and want to talk with me about the ways in which they wish their partner would change. My reply is usually something like this “It sounds like some really important needs are not being met in your relationship. Your partner isn’t here, but you are. So, let’s work together to talk about what YOU can do to positively impact your relationship and make it more likely those important needs start getting met.”
We all have baggage
We all have a history and knowing your partners history is really important. I don’t mean going through the nitty gritty of everyone they have ever dated, rather I’m talking about the stuff that helps you have a greater understanding of why they move through the world the way they do.
How were feelings handled in your partners childhood home?
Did your partner grow up in poverty or with unstable housing?
Was there abuse in your partners childhood home?
Did your partner take care of (emotionally or physically) a sibling or of their parent when they were growing up?
What messages did your partner receive about food and/or their body growing up?
How was love expressed when your partner was a child?
How was upset expressed when your partner was a child?
Did your partner feel loved, cared for, and valued as a child?
I could go on, but you get the picture. How we were raised impacts how we interact and attach (or don’t attach) to our partners. It’s the thread that is woven into the fabric of every relationship we will ever have. So not just with our partners, but also with our children and our friends. Being able to accurately conceptualize our partners is not so we can excuse everything they are doing, but rather understand it with compassion, even if we choose to have boundaries around their behavior.
Look in the mirror
Relationships, especially romantic one’s, are wonderful opportunities for self-reflection and building insight into our own psyche. As you were reading about the questions to ask your partner, did you start thinking about how you would answer those for yourself? If not, give it a try. It might explain some of the ways you show up in your relationships.
For example, if you grew up in a home that was overly critical, you might appear “overly sensitive” to your partner when they are giving you, what they think, is benign feedback. Or perhaps you find yourself withholding praise, yet you can easily speak to what’s not going well.
An excellent indicator that your partner just stepped on a sore spot from your childhood is if your reaction is way out of proportion to what your partner said or did. I’m talking, your feelings get BIG and INTENSE real fast!
Awareness of your patterns
In any family system and within any couples we have patterns and roles that start to emerge over the years. For example, I’m the classic middle child. I am a total peacemaker and tend to know the emotional temperature of everyone in the room. This also shows up in my relationship with my husband. Additionally, how conflict plays out (or doesn’t play out) tends to be part of a well-rehearsed dance for couples. The music changes with each argument, but the steps remain pretty predictable for each partner.
I’m a big fan of Emotion Focused Couples Therapy developed by Sue Johnson. She points out some classic patterns for couples. In most couples, whether heterosexual or same-sex, there is a “pursuer” and a “withdrawer”. This pattern likely comes out when there is tension or we are feeling emotionally unsafe in the interaction.
Pursuer- This is the person who tends to bring up the issues and tries to engage their partner about how they are feeling and the problems they are experiencing in the relationship.
Withdrawer- This is the partner that is less likely to bring issues up in the first place and has a tendency to back away when issues are brought to the table.
Before all my fellow pursuers (Hello, I too, am a card carrying member of the pursuer club) out there start to think they’ve got the right idea, hold your horses!
Here are some common, not so helpful actions of a pursuer…
Becoming critical
Blaming and pointing out your partners mistakes
Telling your partner how to improve
Defining your partner as the problem
Complaining
Yelling
Expressing disapproval
Pleading
Insisting on making your point
Asking A LOT of questions
Any of these sound like you? Sound like your partner?
Here are some common, not so helpful actions of a withdrawer (also, hello to my husband)…
Problem-solve, problem-solve, problem-solve
Zoning out
Stop listening
Numbing out
Refusing to talk
Finding an exit
Tries to leave (or actually does it)
Becoming very logical
Changing the subject
Minimizing partner’s concerns
Any of these sound like you? Sound like your partner?
While it’s most common to have one pursuer and one withdrawer, folks can show up in any combination (i.e., Pursuer-Pursuer, Pursuer-Withdrawer, Withdrawer-Withdrawer).
The bottom line is…
The pursuer is left feeling like their feelings don’t matter and the withdrawer is left feeling like they can’t do anything right! So, nobody wins and both parties are left feeling disconnected.
Effective communication skills to apply
Softened start-up’s: We’ve been talking a lot about the words to use when communicating effectively. While the words we use are so important, HOW we approach our partner is just as important. John Gottman found that when “softened start-ups” are used to initiate conversations they are much more likely to end softly and have a positive outcome. A softened start-up is approaching your partner in a non-confrontational and non-critical manner. I really believe we can talk about almost anything and say almost anything, as long as we are gentle in our approach and maintain a respectful and loving attitude.
Softened start-up’s sent to have the following components:
Express complaints directly (but without blaming)
Use “I” statements
Describe the event rather than evaluating or judging it (“i.e., I noticed that your dishes from the night before are still there each morning” or “It seems like when I bring up the problems I am having in our marriage you withdraw from the conversation.”)
Use respectful language and have an appreciative manner
If the information from John Gottman vibes with you check out his book on 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. I love how practical it is!
Harsh start-up tend to have the following features:
Blames the other person
Use “you-statements”
Language is not respectful
Think of a softened start-up as throwing underhand and harsh start-up’s as an overhand throw aimed at the head! It’s much harder to catch and when it does hit your glove (or your head), it hurts!
2. Use I-Statements
I-Statements are all about taking responsibility for your own feelings and thoughts. These messages are non-blaming so they are less likely to cause defensiveness in whomever you are communicating with.
The general format for these types of statements looks like this:
When you ___________________ , I feel ________________________ .
Instead of “You really pissed me off when you took over disciplining our son.” Try “When you interrupted and started to discipline Johnny, I felt disrespected.”
Here’s a more advanced general format:
I feel_____when_____because_____. I need____.
Instead of “You’re always late. You clearly don’t care about the dinner I made. “ Try “I feel disrespected when you are late for dinner because I work hard to prepare it right on time so that it’s hot when we eat. I would like you to try to be more intentional about being on time.”
It creates an entirely different felt experience. The first (the “you statements) leads to a breakdown in communication and the second leads to a dialogue.
3. Listen
Listening well is the backbone of good communication and it is imperative in any satisfactory relationship. It is also really hard to do well and especially when big feelings are involved. It is a true skill to be able to set aside your big feelings and hear your partner. I could write a ton here about listening, but I already have. Check out our entire blog just on listening to learn more.
If you are having a really hard time listening check out the listener-speaker exercise, which is a technique used in marriage counseling. Not only have I taught this as a therapist, I have also used in my marriage. It seems silly, but it is actually AMAZING! So, don’t knock it until you try it. Also, check out how to bring down you emotional temperature enough to actually listen in our article on barriers to effective communication.
4. Focus on one thing at a time.
Ever start complaining about being the only one to pick up after the kids and then suddenly your yelling at your partner about how not getting a card from them on your birthday two years ago was hurtful? How are the two related? They’re not. It’s just muddying the waters and fueling the fire.
Dr. John Gottman calls this “kitchen sinking”, which is a style of complaining where you throw in everything but the kitchen sink into your list of complaints. Often times we start doing this because we are getting too heated and too emotional. Check out a way to manage “Staying on Topic”, as this is a common communication barrier we wrote about in a recent blog.
5. Apologize
Arguing and hurt feelings are all part of being in a long-term relationship. Relationships don’t end because people argue. Relationships end because people fail to repair the rupture. People don’t mend the hurt and nurse one another back to health. Sometimes, a big part of that is genuinely apologizing. So, that doesn’t sound like… “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” or “I’m sorry you took in that way.”
That does sound like, “I realize I should have brought up such a sensitive topic in a gentler way. I’m so sorry!” Or “I’m so sorry I hurt you with my words. That’s the last thing that I want to do. I am going to work to be more thoughtful with how I speak to you.” The underlying thread here is that a genuine apology means you actually have to have empathy for your partner.
If this feels hard for you…
Step away from the issue for a while.
Ask yourself what feelings apologizing brings up for you (i.e., guilt, shame, fear, weakness, etc.). If you are like me, you might be on the shame train!
Explore why those feelings come up for you.
Have compassion for yourself.
Then take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you have their history. Imagine how that made them feel.
Find compassion for them.
Genuinely apologize for the parts that you can.
Remember why you fell in love
It’s easy to get entrenched in the negative, especially when you are struggling as a couple. We start seeing nothing but problems and sometimes start to read ill-intent when there actually wasn’t any.
So, remember to also focus on what’s going well and why you decided to love them to begin with. I can still close my eyes and smile when I think about my husband shelling out that whooping $1.00 to buy me a cheese quesadilla at Taco Bell on our 15 year old date. I smile when I think about his easy manner and how he is so pleased when he makes something for me that I really like. Even when he’s really getting on my nerves, the good stuff is still true and still the foundation of our relationship/friendship.
If you’re trying to get unstuck from the negative feedback, try ending the day with your partner by sharing 1-3 things they did, they said, or parts of their character that you appreciated. It sounds corny, but it works. It’s basically a gratitude journal, but specific to the couple. Plus, saying it out loud to one another builds intimacy due to its vulnerability.
Don’t forget to play together
Couples that play together stay together. While I think I just made the phrase up, the meaning is absolutely true. Having fun and enjoying shared activities and interests is a huge part of staying well and staying connected in a relationship. Shared experiences are necessary in relationships. That is part of what makes it so hard to stay connected in long-distance relationships. So come to together and find out what common interests you have. That might mean that y’all have a game night once a week or maybe y’all make a point to try all the IPA’s in the area. Whatever it is, keep it light and enjoy one another’s company.
Relationship Red Flags
John Gottman, a well-known couples therapist and research guru, outlined a few communication patterns that increase the odd’s of divorce or separation from your partner. He refers to these as Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Criticism – attacking partner’s personality or character. This is usually with intent of making someone right and someone wrong.
This can sound like “you always…” or “why are you so…?”
Contempt – attacking partner’s sense of self with a malicious intent to harm them.
This can include insults, name-calling, hostile humor, sarcasm, mocking them, etc.
Defensiveness – seeing yourself as the victim and trying to defend against the perceived attack
This can look like making excuses, meeting their complaint with your own complaint, yes-butting, just trying to get what you want to say out so not really listening to what your partner actually said.
Stonewalling – withdrawing from the relationship as a way of avoiding conflict
This can look like silent treatment, changing the subject, removing yourself physically (I’m not talking about the helpful kind of removing yourself- the kind where you intentionally go to calm down and then come back to engage).
Do any of these ring a bell in your relationship? I’m not talking about a one time use, but rather a consistent pattern in your relationship. If so, don’t despair. Use some of the skills mentioned above and consider going to couples counseling if staying in the relationship is your goal.
Go to couples counseling
So often people show up to my office for therapy when their relationship is already over. Sometimes they showed up a year too late and other times it’s more like ten years too late. The game is already over. There’s a stigma about going to couples counseling, as is there going to counseling in general. Couples think it means they’ve failed in their relationship or that it means they are unlovable/unfixable. There is usually a big avoidance piece of the equation, too. If they show up to therapy and face their problems, it means they have to sit in that discomfort and in the possibility that they can’t change or won’t be able to change. We also get comfortable in what we know. So even though we know we could have a more satisfactory relationship, we don’t want to rock the boat. Ultimately, it comes down to being afraid to lose the person that means the most to us.
Go to couples therapy earlier rather than later. Use is as prevention and not a “last resort.” Let’s reframe the belief that couples counseling means folks are on the edge of divorce/break-up to a relationship tune-up, similar to taking your car in for maintenance so that it stays well.
I recommend EFT as the type of therapy because it has excellent research that supports it actually works. If you are ready to take the leap, you can find an EFT therapist here. If that feels like too much, you could start with this workbook and go through it as a couple.
What is a communication problem versus what is abuse?
Abuse can start right away or it can be insidious. The insidious nature of a lot of intimate partner violence (IPV) is part of what makes it hard to notice right away. It is sort of like when you turn the temperature of water up a little more and little more and a little more and now your boiling! So just because it didn’t start off intense and abusive, doesn’t mean it’s not abusive now. At the heart of most abuse, IPV included, is a pattern of wanting to control your partner. It becomes about feeling like the abuser has power over their partner. Abusive behavior can look like…
Physical Violence (hitting, pushing, shoving, holding you down, pinning you, etc.)
Blocking your exit
Extreme jealousy
Needing to know your whereabouts all the time
Needing you to check in numerous times throughout the day
Isolating you from friends and family
Degrading and shaming comments
Intimidation
Sexual violence (rape, marital rape, coercion, pressure, etc.)
Controlling
If you are in a relationship that is abusive, your communication is not the problem. Please call, live chat, or text The National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can look at the hotline website in Private Browsing on your phone and the history will not be saved. Otherwise, delete your browsing history immediately.
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