How To Get What Your Actually Need In Your Relationships
For a few weeks now we’ve been discussing effective communication. We’ve reviewed all sorts of awesome skills needed in order to communicate well. Effective communication skills are essential for communicating well; however, it can still leave us with unmet needs in our relationships. A large part of effective communication is knowing what you want from an interaction in the first place.
I ran a skills group for years and one of the modules was on Interpersonal Effectiveness. Client’s would often bring real life examples of their communication quandaries. Some of these sounded like…
I can’t seem to get through to my daughter that she has to help with the chores.
I can talk to my husband until I’m blue in the face and they still aren’t listening to me.
My partner and I disagree about holiday plans. I’m not sure what to do.
Everytime I talk to my mom we end up fighting.
I really want my in-laws to get a hotel, but my partner is afraid it will hurt their feelings.
Excellent communication doesn’t always work
This is a good time to pause and point out that all we can do is control our behavior. We are responsible for our communication and ours alone. That means we have responsibility to effectively communicate our part, to effectively articulate our needs, and to listen in the interaction. It also means that sometimes we can be a highly skilled communicator and still not get what we want or need. Conversations can still go south. And that is because we are not always interacting with a person who is skilled in communicating or interested in becoming skilled in communicating.
Leaving the interaction dissatisfied with the outcome
As a group, we’d all put our heads together and eventually come up with a way for them to say what they mean to say to the receiving party. A common thread that emerged for my clients was that when they left conversations, even ones that went pretty well in terms of tempers staying in check and sharing some feelings in ways that felt good, was that they were still dissatisfied with the interaction or the outcome.
They’d say things like…
I still didn’t get my deposit back.
They still aren’t giving me a kiss goodbye.
They went right back to nagging me this morning.
I’m still not sure that they appreciate all that I do for the family.
In reviewing the interactions, it became clear that they didn’t actually know what they wanted and because of that they weren’t able to clearly articulate that to the listener. When our needs are not met we will keep having different versions of the same fight/discussion emerge over and over and over again.
What do you want/need from the interaction?
Here are a few guiding questions when thinking about when trying to figure out what you are wanting or needing from an interaction.
What is your ideal outcome from the conversation?
That may be to simply be heard and to feel supported and cared for in the interaction. A lot of times, all we are really going for is for the other person to genuinely understand and appreciate our perspective or experience, even if they don’t entirely see it our way. Or you may want X, Y, and Z behaviors to be agreed upon as things that need to change. Or maybe you simply want to problem-solve and collaborate.
2. What is your priority?
Marsha Linehan, a psychologist, is the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. She breaks down priorities in a really digestible way. She asks folks to think about whether self-esteem, the relationship, or the objective is the priority in the interaction. I think this is a brillant North Star that can be used to guide our interactions. Check out this workbook to learn more about DBT.
For example, let’s say that you recently received a gift from a family member for Christmas. They ask if you like it. The truth is you actually really dislike it. It’s the sexy leg lamp from Christmas Story level of dislike (see below if not familiar).
Do you tell them? Why do you tell them? If you do decide to tell them, how do you tell them? What words do you use?
The answer is…it depends.
Is the priority the objective? That might be to get the gift returned so you can get something else.
Is the priority your self-esteem? That might mean that you have trouble speaking up and this is an opportunity for you to practice expressing what you need. Getting the item returned would just be a bonus, rather speaking up for the sake of building self-esteem is your priority.
Is the relationship the priority? That might mean that you tell them in a soft, gentle way that it’s not really your style. The words you choose and the tone you pick is with the goal of preserving the relationship because that’s what matters most to you. You might even choose to say nothing about your dislike if you know how hard they worked at picking out the item. Getting the item returned is once again just a bonus and not the priority in this situation.
You might even find that you have a pattern when it comes to the priorities you tend to select. I have learned that I tend to prioritize my self-esteem. So this means that even if I know the person I’m talking to won’t necessarily change or hear me the way I need them to, regardless of how clear I am, I might choose to tactfully share my thoughts and feelings anyway. This is self-validating and is a way of communicating to myself that what I think and feel matters.
One of the take-aways here is how we communicate changes based on our relationship to the person (i.e., mom versus co-worker versus best friend versus mail person) we are talking to and the priority in the interaction (i.e., self-esteem, relationship, objective).
3. What is your short-term goal versus long-term goal?
We tend to lose sight of the end goal, especially when interactions get really heated. It’s enticing to end the discomfort in the short-term and ultimately at the expense of our long-term goals. Ideally, we want our short-term goals and actions to act in support of our long-term goals.
For example, let’s say your kid is losing their mind in the grocery store because they want that super enticing candy bar in the check-out line. You’re embarrassed because people are staring (and judging, perhaps). We might buy the Twix bar to keep the peace and end the madness (fulfilling our short-term goal). However, the long-term goal might be to teach your child that they can’t always have what they want when they want it or that screaming is not the way to get their needs met. So your short-term goal thwarted your long-term goal.
The same principles are at play in communicating with people. For example, let’s say you want your partner to participate equally in picking your daughter up from soccer practice. Your partner keeps calling you saying that they have to stay late at the office or decided to pick up an extra shift. To avoid a fight, you don’t say anything and pick up your daughter each time. To end the short-term discomfort a possible fight would bring you do something that actually is the opposite of what you ultimately want (i.e., your partner to more equally participate).
Practice Makes Permanent
The more you engage with others, the more natural all of these skills will get. If you avoid communication, especially communication that might be uncomfortable, then you’re missing an opportunity to put your skills in action and to grow as a communicator.
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