Improve Your Relationship: How To Be A Better Listener
The most underrated and probably the most important part of effective communication is being a good listener. My husband always jokes with me about how talkative I am and how I can get others to talk and engage.
He’ll say “Well, I guess you do talk for a living (I’m a counselor).”
I usually quickly come back with, “Actually, I listen for a living.”
Not only is being a really good listener the backbone of being a good therapist, it is also the foundation of feeling understood and connected in most relationships.
While we are focusing on listening in this article, there is a lot more to communicating well. Check out the article below if you want to learn about the other important factors, too.
What does it feel like to be with a bad listener?
It feels bad when someone isn’t listening.
Let’s pause a moment and think about how if feels when you are not being heard.
What do you start to feel when someone isn’t listening to you?
What do you do when someone isn’t listening?
How do you know when someone isn’t listening?
I don’t know about you, but I start to feel angry and dismissed when someone isn’t listening. I usually stop talking, stop sharing my experience. I engage less and am hesitant to share important parts of myself with people who don’t listen well. We usually know they are not listening well because their responses or the intensity of their responses does not match what you are saying (i.e., you shared something sad and they smiled and nod). Maybe they have that glazed look in their eyes that says their mind is elsewhere or that they are not interested?
What does it feel like to be with a good listener?
What does it feel like for you when someone is listening well?
What do you usually do when someone is listening well?
How do you know they are listening well?
I feel loved, important, connected, and happy when someone is listening well to what I have to say. And it usually makes me keep talking and sharing. It also makes me even more likely to be curious about their experiences. It makes me want to hear them! It fundamentally opens the lines of communication!
Picture someone in your life that listens really well.
My dad and I have a close relationship. Once a month, we go on epic father-daughter hikes. So we are spending hours in the woods walking together. What I love about it is all the talking we do and one of the things I value about my dad is how well he listens. When I’m sharing about my life he asks me questions that allow me to expand on my experience. He has a great balance of staying quiet to allow the space needed for me to share mixed with questions and comments that let me know he is hearing me. If he doesn’t understand, he asks clarifying questions, like “what do you mean?” He’s interested in understanding my experience and perception accurately.
What is Active Listening?
As a therapist, we are trained in something called active listening. And to be clear, I’m not saying that we all need to listen like trained therapists! However, I do think we can borrow some tricks of the trade to improve our listening and ultimately our relationships, too.
Imagine what it would feel like to talk and talk and talk to someone who is just sitting there. They aren’t really responding, but they also aren’t interrupting. Just sitting quietly with an expressionless face.
Even though they aren’t interrupting or talking over you, you are still not feeling heard. Active listening is a way of listening that Is unobtrusive and subtle, but powerful and connecting. It involves using a verbal cues and non-verbal cues to indicate you are following and interested.
Active Listening Skills: Non-Verbal Techniques
Physically leaning in closer
Facial expressions that match the content you are hearing
Gestures (i.e., nodding, hand gestures)
Open body posture
Eye contact
Using a tone that matches the content you are hearing
Active Listening Skills: Verbal Techniques
Summarizing what you are hearing to make sure you have it right.
Utterances that let them know you are following along, like “uh huh”, “wow”, etc.
Asking questions or clarifying when you’re not sure you are following.
Active Listening Skills: Attitude
Listening effectively also has to do with having an open and interested frame of mind and attitude.
It’s about being genuinely curious about the speakers experience. It’s a willingness to set your own stuff aside and absorb what they are really saying. This is really hard in an argument and also essential to actually come to a mutual understanding. In that vein, a professor of mine used to say “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” So if you want a satisfactory relationship, it isn’t all about getting your point across. It is about listening and absorbing their point of view and feelings through a non-defensive lens. We will have much more on effective communication in relationships in the weeks to come. If big emotions make it hard for you to listen well, check out our most recent article on what gets in the way of effective communication.
How to Communicate Better Workshop
As you are reading you might be realizing that you’d like to have better communication your relationships. If so, check out our information packed 60 minute workshop on How To Communicate Better.
Signs You’re Being A Bad Listener
Ever caught yourself formulating what you are going to say before the person has even finished speaking? This happens a lot, especially in arguments. When you notice this (and we all do it sometimes) it’s a warning sign you are not active listening.
It’s also important that the environment be conducive to listening well. Some of this is the actual physical space you are in, but a lot is the environment you are creating. Ever been around someone who checks their phone while you’re sharing something? Staying distracted is a sure sign you’re not listening.
People stop sharing their experience with you or maybe they start to provide one-word answers.
People start to appear emotionally shut down.
When You Can’t Listen Well Use Assertive Communication
None of us are able to listen 💯 all of the time. That’s completely unreasonable. However, given how integral listening is to effective communication, it’s important we stay diligent about learning to listen well. It’s also important to communicate when we are unable to do that. For example, my husband is famous for wanting to bend my ear right as I start doing something. Instead of half listening to what he is saying (which feels crummy for both of us), I might say something like…
“I want to focus on what your saying because it sounds important. Give me five minutes to wrap up what I am doing and I will be all ears.”
Relationship Advice for Women
As always, thanks for reading! We are all about teaching people, especially women, who to have more satisfying relationships. Sign up for our newsletter to receive our newest blogs right to your inbox!
