Postpartum Sex: Physical Intimacy After Having Kids
Intimacy Issues: Common Challenges For New Parents
Adjusting to the intimacy landscape after children can be a huge challenge. It can affect each person in the partnership uniquely.
Let’s begin with the factors that tend to affect both partners:
Lack of Time
Exhaustion
Mental Health Problems- 10% of men experience postpartum depression and up to 18% develop an anxiety disorder (Resources for dads). This number increases to 50% when their partner has a postpartum mood d/o. About 20% of women will experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (Fact Sheet).
Increased stress and workload
There are also challenges that tend to be unique to the birthing person.
Feeling “touched out.”
Struggling with body image issues after kids. This can be in the postpartum era, but also last for years afterwards, as there are sometimes fundamental body changes that occur and that are long-lasting.
Mothers workload tends to increase significantly, as they handle the majority of the mental and emotional load in relationships.
It’s also important to realize that birth can be very traumatic and not everyone’s body is going to be ready for intercourse on the same timeline. For instance, mother’s that sustained third or fourth degree vaginal tearing take much longer to heal and may even need intervention from a pelvic floor physical therapist.
Having kids affects more than just intimacy. Click below for our article that addresses how life changes after baby and how to address the common issues that parents deal with.
Intimacy Issues: How to Keep the Spark Alive and Improve Your Sex Life after Kids
1) Communication, communication, communication!
Talk about when it is most likely that you both would be interested in sex. Is it morning? Nighttime? Nap time? This makes it more likely it will actually happen.
Talk about what types of physical intimacy you feel interested in at the moment and consider activities that can be achieved in less time.
Talk about your definition of physical intimacy. This doesn’t just have to be sex. It can be as simple as snuggling on the couch.
If y’all struggle with communication, check out our workshop aimed at improving communication (bonus, it’s super affordable).
2) Consider scheduling sex.
3) Go on date nights. It’s easy to ignore this one, but I encourage you to make this a priority. This sets the stage for intimacy.
4) If a partner is feeling “touched out” make sure that y’all are creating space for them to have body breaks, away from children and their partner. Allow space for their body to be their own.
5) If body image is problematic for the birthing person, engage them in a discussion about what would help them to feel sexier. Is it new clothing that fits their new form? Is it wearing a bra during sex so that their breast milk isn’t leaking? Consider adjusting the environment to help with comfort, such as turning the lights low or off.
6) Try the six second kiss. This is a technique recommended by Dr. Gottman, a psychologist and couples researcher. Instead of just giving a peck on the lips or cheek before leaving for the day, linger a little. This has been shows to reduce the stress hormone cortisol, invested in your emotional back account, and it creates the opportunity for more physical intimacy.
7) All of this is related to having realistic expectations, as the landscape of your relationship has fundamentally changed. The spontaneity you once enjoyed isn’t as plausible now. That doesn’t have to make physical intimacy less appealing. It just changes it.
8) I also encourage couples to expand their definition of intimacy. This will not only serve you right now as new parents, but also if you want your relationship to stand the test of time. Sex drive and interest at 70 is not what it is at 30. It’s not supposed to be. So we need to have other ways to feel intimately connected. There are four main types of intimacy and these include physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual.
When Sex Is not an Option: How to Keep your Relationship Strong and Happy
First and foremost, physical intimacy is not just all about sex. Expand your definition of physical intimacy. This can include cuddling, kissing, hand holding, massage, etc.
Types of Intimacy
Additionally, focus on nourishing the other important aspects of intimacy. After all, these are foundational in any relationship.
Emotional Intimacy: What is Emotional Intimacy?
Emotional Intimacy Defintion:
In this types of intimacy, we feel safe to share our deepest thoughts, concerns, worries, dreams, wishes, etc. We feel seen and adored for all of who we are. In order to grow emotional intimacy non-judgmental and attentive dynamic is required.
How to Build Emotional Intimacy
Verbalize your gratitude
Reminisce together
Consider having connecting conversations for about twenty minutes each day.
Dr. Gottman, a couples therapist and researcher, has a recipe for this connecting conversation this includes
1) Make sure your environment is distraction free.
2) Agree on timing for the conversation that feels good for both of you.
3) Don’t discuss your marriage and the issues you are having. Just be curious about your partners day, make eye contact and be attentive.
4) Remember that all emotions are “allowed” and you’re not there to “fix” anything.
Intellectual Intimacy: What is Intellectual Intimacy and How to Bolster it?
Intellectual Intimacy Defintion:
This is all about having stimulating discussions with each other. This may involve having a healthy debate, learning about something new together, and sharing your perspective on an issue.
How to Build Intellectual Intimacy
Have conversations about current events
Play games together
Reading the same books or articles and then discuss them together.
Spiritual intimacy: What is Spiritual Intimacy and How to Build it?
Spiritual Intimacy Defintion:
This is all about discussion and support for one another’s ideas about higher purpose, meaning, and how to build a life worth living. This does not mean that you have to agree or have the same spiritual or religious beliefs.
How to Build Spiritual Intimacy
Start a spiritual journal together
Share what you found sacred that day
Be open and communicative about where and how you derive meaning
Listen with an open and curious mind about your partners belief system
Pray together, if that fits in your belief system
We have a great workshop that provides tools to help you strengthen your relationship with your partner. Click the button below to learn more.
Remember, this is temporary!
Last, please remember that this is hard now, but it won’t be this hard forever. It gets easier and your get more and more practiced at being a parent and juggling this new load.
Relationship Advice For Women
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