How To Save A Relationship
One thing I really admire about my husband is that he is fabulous at apologizing. And when he does apologize, he really means it. Then, an even more extraordinary thing happens, he moves on. He does not get stuck in his own shame or guilt. He simply does not hang out there. Me, on the other hand, I’m riding the shame train for like a week after I’ve “messed up.” So much of how whether we even apologize in the first place has to do with our internal dialogue of what we think it means about us that we’ve erred. Do you apologize? What feelings does even needing to apologize bring up for you? What are the after affects?
One of the things that distinguishes relationships that are satisfactory and makes it likely they will last the test of time is whether or not the dyad (i..e, kid-parent, boyfriend-girlfriend, friend-friend, etc.) takes the time to repair when they’ve fought, disagreed, hurt feelings, etc. The important part here is that it’s not about never fighting or about never hurting feelings or being the cause of one’s another’s pain. Pain and heartache are inevitable in any type of relationship. It’s the repair work that matters. That’s where the rubber meets the road.
Relationship Repair: Why is it important?
First and foremost, it builds trust! It shows the other person that you are willing to make changes in order to preserve the health of the relationship. It shows the other person that they are important and that you have concern and care for their well-being within the relationship. Most people don’t expect others to be perfect. They expect forward progress; they expect a commitment to be better and to do better. And this needs to happen through clear committed actions to bettering the relationship.
Secondly, it builds awareness. It builds awareness of the patterns you have in your relationships. When you start bringing awareness to the upsets, you’ll start to notice the particular dance (especially the part where you are stepping on their toes) you have in that relationship. With awareness, comes the power to do it differently. Bringing awareness to the repair process itself is so important because you start to realize what that particular person needs in order to feel things have been mended. In turn, you’ll start to realize what you need, too.
How does it feel when someone attempts to repair with you?
What do you need when someone has hurt you?
Need more than education on how to repair in a relationship? Check out our workshop on improving your relationship with your partner.
How to Repair a Relationship
Repair work is not just apologizing. In fact, I’d argue that apologizing is just the first step, albeit an essential one. If you’re in any type of relationship then you’ve had the experience of receiving a genuine heartfelt apology and then… absolutely nothing changing. This happens often and is infuriating. It also speaks to the fact that apologizing is not enough. Here are some ways to repair in a relationship…
1) Apologize
2) Actually showing up differently- A good apology usually has an actionable step in it. It has something you are committing to doing differently. So, if you committed to being more sensitive with your words, then be more sensitive and mindful with your words. If you committed to getting home in time for dinner, then start getting home on time for dinner. So, it’s important to commit to an action that you are prepared to truly work on. Sometimes, this means we need to seek knowledge or skills that we don’t have, but desperately need in order to do it differently.
3) Revisit the issue and check in about prior conflict- How does it feel when your partner or friend says something like, “How are you doing since our argument last week?” or “How are we doing?” It’s very loving because it shows concern via follow up and follow through. It also honors that healing and repairing is a process rather than a moment in time. It honors that healthy relationships need to be nurtured in order to grow.
How to Say Sorry
There are some general components that make for a good apology. These include…
1) Express regret
2) Take ownership/responsibility
3) Offer restitution
4) Commit to change
5) Request forgiveness
Apology Examples
So, let’s start with what a not so helpful apology sounds like. Pay attention to how it feels in your body when you read a few of these.
“I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.”
“I’m sorry you took in that way.”
“I’m sorry your upset, but you shouldn’t have ______.”
Instead, how do these feel?
“I realize I should have brought up such a sensitive topic in a gentler way. I’m so sorry!”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you with my words. That’s the last thing that I want to do. I am going to work to be more thoughtful with how I speak to you.”
The underlying thread here is that a genuine apology means you actually have to have empathy for your partner.
How to Apologize to Someone When it Feels Hard
Step away from the issue for a while.
Ask yourself what feelings apologizing brings up for you (i.e., guilt, shame, fear, weakness, etc.). If you are like me, you might be on the shame train!
Explore why those feelings come up for you.
Have compassion for yourself.
Then take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine you have their history. Imagine how that made them feel.
Find compassion for them.
Genuinely apologize for the parts that you can.
Does repair matter in all relationships?
Yes, yes, and yes! It even matters with our own children. This can sometimes strike parents as odd. Sometimes parents think this would show a weakness or somehow destroy the front that they know exactly what they are doing in their parenting. Here’s the good news, we don’t know exactly what we are doing. Why is that good? Because it takes the pressure off and allows us to be human. We need to remember that our children, even though they may be little, are also human. All humans are deserving of dignity and respect and apologizing is part of that.
It’s also important to learn to repair with your children. Check out our article below for more information.
Relationship Advice For Women
As always, thanks for reading! We are all about teaching people, especially women, who to have more satisfying relationships. Sign up for our newsletter to receive our newest blogs right to your inbox!
