8 Tips for Parenting a Teenager (from a teen therapist)
Having teens challenges you on so many deep levels. It is tough, yet can be incredibly rewarding. They have this push-pull dynamic where they want to assert their growing independence and new found freedoms, yet still need you. They can drive, hold down a job, and open a bank account with help, but still need you for money, guidance, and time with you. Plus, you now worry about their expanding freedom with driving, staying out later, and remembering all the things you taught them about safety, drugs, alcohol, and sex.
Professionally, I listen to teenagers for a living. Parents graciously allow me to help guide them and their teen on this adolescent journey. If anything, I have learned that teenagers have a lot of fear. They feel they can’t go to their parent(s) because they won’t be heard, seen, or understood. They end up hiding parts of themselves from their parents because they either don’t feel safe to be themselves or their fear their parent will judge, reject, abandon, disapprove, punish, or misunderstand them. This may take the form of hiding that they are drinking alcohol at a party/sleepover, vaping, sneaking out of the home, or being sexually active. It can also look like having a separate identity from the way their parents raised them, such as questioning or having different religious beliefs, hiding their gender identity or sexual orientation, or even their feelings, thoughts, wishes, or desires.
Many parents struggle with knowing how to help their teenager. Often parents worry about their teens mental health because of social media, such as having unrealistic body image issues, seeing when they are not included or invited, being bullied, etc. Some parents feel like this generation of teens are too soft. They need to learn how to toughen up and deal with it (e.g., anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, etc.), because they, as a parent, never received help and were forced to learn on their own. I often hear these parents say, “ See, I turned out okay.” Many parents raise concern that their teen is picking the wrong friend group, getting into drugs or alcohol, sneaking out, etc. Others have challenges with their teenager being self-centered and not considerate of others.
Both parents and teens have legitimate concerns and challenges. However, your teenager is still a child and needs their parent to help guide, support, nurture, and validate them. Teens still have so much to learn about relationships, the world, and themselves. My hope for parents is that they want to learn how to lean in, how to connect with their child, and how to respond in ways their child needs. Remember, parenting during the teenage years requires a delicate balance between guidance and support, allowing room for growth and individuality.
8 Teen Parenting Tips
First, this generation of teens have gone through so much mental health struggles since the Covid-19 pandemic coupled with ongoing pressures from social media. It is a different world. With this being said, teens don’t understand all the dangers of the world or see how they are getting in their own ways at times. Parenting teenagers can feel like navigating uncharted waters, but with a few helpful tips, the journey can become smoother. So, here are my top tips for helping parents navigate the teen years.
Create Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is a fundamental aspect of overall well-being and thriving in any relationship, especially in a parenting-child relationship. Emotional safety refers to an environment where individuals feel secure, wanted, and accepted, free express their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or repercussion.
In emotionally safe relationships, open communication and active listening are the cornerstone, which leads to my second tip. This means that you and your teen feel that thier experiences and emotions are valued, validated, and respected. Emotional safety promotes trust, empathy, and connection, allowing a parent and teen to deepen their relationships, foster personal and relationship growth, and navigate challenges together with a sense of support and understanding. It is through emotional safety that you and your teenager can truly flourish and cultivate meaningful connection together, but also with others.
Honest and Open Communication
Open and honest communication is the foundation of any healthy and thriving relationship; however, in this article I mean a parent and teenager. It is the key that unlocks understanding, trust, and mutual respect. When a parent cultivates an environment for their teen to have open and honest communication, that parent creates a safe space for your teenager to share thoughts, feelings, concerns, and aspirations without fear of judgment or reprisal.
This kind of communication allows and enables you to address conflicts and misunderstandings head-on, and then collaboratively work together to problem-solve. It encourages transparency and authenticity in our relationships, allowing us to build strong connections that withstand the test of time.
Take the time to actively listen to your teen, providing a safe space where they can express their thoughts and emotions without judgment. What remains the same are communication patterns that promote positive parenting habits that help both teens and parents listen and understand one another better.
If you struggle learning how to have open and honest communication, please read this article for techniques. What does it take to learn these…a lot of self-reflection in the moment, lots of perseverance, patience, non-judgement, and grace for yourself and your teenager.
Be Curious
Listening to understand is a practice that involves open-mindedness, empathy, and active engagement. It goes beyond simply hearing the words your teen is speaking; it requires dedicating our full attention to the them and acknowledging their perspective. So, put away your phone, stop what you are doing, turn the t.v. off, and give your undivided attention. If you can’t, gently tell your teen, “What you have to say is really important to me, and I want to give you undivided attention so I can fully listen and hear you. Can you please wait until__(I end this call/ finish cooking dinner/tend to your brother).”
When we listen to understand, we set aside our preconceived notions and biases, focusing on your teens intentions, emotions, and underlying message. By doing so, we create a safe space for open dialogue, fostering deeper connections with our teen, and mutual respect.
4. Validate Emotions, Not Behaviors
Validating emotions is a crucial aspect of fostering emotional well-being, true emotional regulation, and healthy relationships. It involves acknowledging and accepting your teens emotions without judgment. By allowing ourselves and your teen to feel and express emotions freely, we create a safe and supportive environment for emotional growth, healing, and emotional health.
Validating all emotions means understanding that all feelings are valid, regardless of their intensity or source. It involves actively listening, offering empathy, and demonstrating understanding. This is VERY different from validating behaviors. All feelings are a yes, but some behaviors are a no.
What do I mean? Here is an example, “I understand you are upset and mad, I see this and hear you. I understand this is hard; however, it is not okay for you to stay out past curfew.” This allows are teens to feel seen, understood, and hear, which allows them to work through their feelings. This is the only way to truly regulate feelings.
5. Set Firm Boundaries & Clear Expectations
Boundaries and expectations play a crucial role in maintaining healthy relationships and promoting personal growth, which are all important things to teach, model, and practice with teens. However, establishing, implementing, and communicating clear boundaries allows you and your teen to define limits on how they or you expect to be treated. It encourages each of you to express needs in heathy ways, which fosters respect and understanding in the relationship.
Boundaries and expectations set the foundation for mutual understanding and helps prevent conflicts. Ultimately, boundaries and expectations create a framework for healthy interactions and allow both your teen to understand your limits and the consequences of their actions. Offering guidance rather than imposing mandates allows them to develop critical thinking skills and take ownership/responsibility of their decisions.
Wonder how to validate emotions and set boundaries? Here is an example, “I understand you are upset and mad, I see this and hear you. I understand this is hard because I will not given in and let you go to the party.” Let’s take this a step farther with validating emotions, implementing consequences, and reinforcing boundaries. “I understand you are pissed off at me. You are allowed to feel this way. At the same time, you know the rules about breaking curfew and the consequence. I will take away your car keys for one week.”
Check out our article about boundaries! It can really help you build a foundation on how to set boundaries well.
6. Encourage Independence
Encouraging independence not only prepares them for the challenges of adulthood but also nurtures their individuality and helps them establish a strong sense of identity. It is essential for their personal development, autonomy, and survival. By allowing them to make decisions, take on responsibilities, and learn from their mistakes, we empower teens to develop important life skills.
With this being said, it is important to provide guidance and support as they navigate their independence, ensuring they have a safe and supportive environment to explore and learn from their choices. When I work with teens and their parents, I rely on the saying, “With freedom comes responsibility.” If a teen misuses their freedom or their responsibility, their freedom is restricted, supervised, monitored, etc. It is also helpful for parents to recognize that their teen is going through a natural period of self-discovery; therefore, there will be inevitable ups and downs, which can help parents access empathy, patience, and understanding.
7. Teach Skills/Provide Knowledge
Skill deficits refer to the areas in which a teen lacks the necessary expertise or experience to know what or how to do something. Teen skill deficits can refer to a wide variety of situations, including knowing how to budget money, filling up a gas tank, schedule a doctor’s appointment, etc. It can also apply to more nuanced skills like clear communication, boundaries, finding out what assignments are missing on their own, to addressing a conflict with a peer. It is important for parents to identify what areas are skill or knowledge deficits because it provides a teaching opportunity.
For instance, a father received a phone call by another teen who accused his adolescent son for sexual assault because a girl sat in his lap on the school bus. This is most alarming and upsetting, which could have led to serious consequences. Rather, this dad created a safe environment for his son openly communicate with him about the allegations by being curious and gathering information. He was not quick to punish or judge. Based on all the information gathered from all the sources, he learned that this was not sexual assault. Thankfully though, this father identified that his son did not know about some physical boundaries that could be easily construed as sexual, which led the two of them to have a in depth discussion about physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries. Through targeted training, practice, and dedication, parents can address their teens skill or knowledge deficits.
8. Avoid Labels
What do I mean by labels? When we label people (e.g., lazy, unmotivated, toxic, anxious, depressed, etc.) it becomes an attack on their personhood, a negative or unwanted attribute about who they are. It is fixed like their eye color or their height. When you assign a label to your teen, they receive a negative message about who they are, rather than a behavior. If it is who they are, can it change? They may even start to believe it themselves, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They may act more and more like the assigned label.
For instance, if you argue with your teen about completing and turning in homework in a timely manner, you might say, “They are lazy,” “They don’t care,” or “They are bad at school.” They often come to believe it and stop trying. One teen I worked with was told this message for years, they eventually believed they were lazy and stupid, so they stopped trying, began to self-harm, and developed depressive symptoms. The message they heard was, “I am so smart, but lazy and can’t apply themselves.”
While it can be really hard, it is worth being curious and looking behind the behavior, like the homework example. By seeing the problem as a behavior (e.g., “They struggle to turn in homework every day”), rather than a labeling them (e.g., “They are lazy.”) feels very different internally. It sends the message that there is a problem with a behavior. However, It is easier to change behaviors rather than someone’s character.
Furthermore, being curious about the behavior allows both the parent and the teen to try and understand the barriers. Why do they struggle turning in their homework? What gets in their way? Are they overwhelmed to the point they have no motivation to complete it? Are they so overwhelmed they are forgetting to turn it in after they complete it? Perhaps they have an underlying condition that makes it more challenging like ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc. We often jump to conclusions and make negative attributions. If we hit the pause button on our reactions, we might actually be more effective and solve the problem.
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