In light of the holiday season, I figured it was time to talk about a topic that comes up often around the holidays and that’s finding ways to enjoy the holiday season. For some people the holidays are filled with joy, family, and friends. It can be a time of coming together and of deep connection.

For other people the holidays feel really stressful! They can reopen old wounds and remind us of connections that we don’t have, though we may desperately want or need them. In my experience, it is usually a bit of both for folks. In fact, holidays can be so painful that the words “I hate Christmas” are googled 4,500 times each month and “I hate the holidays” is googled 500 times per month.

Holiday Traditions

I really loved holidays as a child. I loved the anticipation of the event probably even more than the actual event itself. Bare with me while I tell you a little bit about the traditions in my family. I promise there’s a good reason for it. My dad’s side of the family has the tradition of gathering on Christmas Eve. For the majority of my life this took place at my family home.

My glorious grey-bearded grandfather could usually be found playing an instrument or using his own voice to produce what almost perfectly sounded like a small trumpet. My Aunt Liz was usually trying to convince everyone to sing Christmas carols and, of course, there were all sorts of sweet treats to be had. My cousins and I could be found running, playing, and opening presents. The next day, we’d do it all over again at my house. We’d have Christmas morning as an immediate family, a big breakfast, and this was followed by a 15-20 person Christmas Dinner. Rinse and repeat all of the connection, laughter, and food.

Seasonal Holidays: Increased Stress

The American Psychological Association reported that about 40% of people say they are more stressed during the holidays and about 65% of people diagnosed with a mental illness report that their symptoms worsen during the holiday season. In my clinical work, I have noticed that my female clients book an extra session or two during this time or present with heightened distress in session. This does not seem to be true for my male clients, though I have no scientific data to support that they don’t also find the holidays pretty stressful. My hypothesis is that women tend to carry the emotional (and often also the practical) load of preparing for guests and planning for the holidays.

Holiday Stress: Common Causes

Here are some reasons the holidays might not feel so peachy to everyone:

Surge of feelings of grief and loss
Loneliness
Family tension/difficult relationships
Traditions that are no longer appropriate (more on that later)
Travel
Hosting company
Staying in others homes
Financial strain
Too busy
Not enough alone time
Pressure to make it perfect

Holiday Traditions: The Dark Side

Let’s pause here for a minute. As an adult, though I look back on my childhood holidays with fondness, there is a new side to my perspective. It goes something like this…

WHAT ON EARTH? MY POOR MOTHER.

As I described above, ALL of the events were held at my house. Due to the division of labor in my childhood home, that means that the menu was set by my mother. The food was bought and made by my mother (I can hear my dad saying “Wait, I did make the Turkey.” We know Dad. We know 😂). The tableware was selected and the table was set by my mother. The dishes were washed by my mother. The rooms for guests were prepared by my mother. The presents were bought and wrapped by my mother, and so on and so forth. You get the picture.

As I am writing this, two things are simultaneously occurring. On one hand, I am exhausted even writing about all that my mom did to prepare (and that’s only some of it), and then I am also fighting the urge to share the tasks that my dad and sisters helped with. I’m fighting it because what we did to support the process doesn’t matter for the purposes of this article.

My mother was the mastermind behind it all. And that is often what feels so exhausting for women. That is the inexplicable, yet overwhelming emotional load. It reminds me of those crime shows. My mom would be the criminal mastermind they are looking to take down! Without her in the mix, the whole operation essentially falls apart. This is often the role women play during the holidays and it’s what my female clients are so exhausted and anxious about.

While my mom enjoyed seeing others enjoy themselves, I am not sure how much she was enjoying herself. I know she was exhausted and that her ankles would swell by the end of Christmas Day. I know I probably didn’t express my gratitude in the way she might have needed to hear. The truth is like most egocentric teenagers, I had no real perspective on her experience.

Want to learn more about this common disparity in marriages? Read our article on Emotional, Mental, and Cognitive Load.

Holiday Stress Management: How to deal with holiday stress?

So, how can we do it differently? Here are my recommendations for turning a stressful holiday season into a more enjoyable one:

If it’s not in the budget, don’t do it

Don’t go into debt for the holidays. I’d be remiss not to genuinely acknowledge how fortunate I have been. My family had the financial means to host holiday events and give presents. This is really privileged and not reality for everyone. It’s also not really the point of the holiday’s. For some folks, it is centered around religious beliefs, whereas for others it may be more of a secular holiday. Whatever your beliefs, this is an opportunity to center it around your values and to impart those to your loved ones. I wonder what it would be like to focus more on connection, shared experiences, and quality time and less on tangible gifts? In recalling my holidays as a kid, I didn’t mention any particular present I got. That’s because I don’t remember any. I do remember the time I put ⅓ cup of salt (instead of sugar) in the sugar cookies and how my sisters and I burst into a fit of laughter when we bit into our salt blocks. So essentially, presence over presents.

It does not have to be perfect

Don’t trade your wellness for creating the ideal holiday season for everyone else. Pinterest (and other media outlets) have some awesome idea’s for crafts, sweet treats, etc. Resources like this become problematic when it fuels the belief that we “should” be doing these things in order to be a “good” mom or a “good” host. It is likely that your family, friends, co-workers, and kids are more interested in a happy and healthy you, than a perfect gathering that leaves you feeling depleted and unable to show up as your best self.

Less is more

Pick a few traditions or things you’d like to do and leave the rest. Focus on high quality interaction and presence.

The holidays are about connection and not having all the comforts

There’s this glorious little book called Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much. In it, she writes, “Somewhere in our busy little beings it is inconceivable that they can care for themselves and they just wanted to be with us.” Try making this your mantra. When you are making to-do lists and feeling stressed keep coming back to this mantra. You might find it lessens the overdoing and lightens the load.

Traditions are awesome until they’re not

Ask yourself, is this still working for me (and my family, if applicable)? If not, how would I want this to look different? What type of tradition would feel good for me now in this stage of my life? You might be surprised that others in your family system might feel the same way. This provides an opportunity to collaboratively come back to the drawing board.

You can say no

Draw boundaries if something is no longer working for you. Say “no, thank you” to some invitations. To be clear, I’m not promoting avoidance of all things that feel overwhelming or uncomfortable. While that works in the short-term, it doesn’t solve anything in the long-term. I am suggesting pairing down and setting healthy limits.

If you struggle with this kind of communication, you are not alone. Check out our workshop on improving communication.

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Find the middle ground

Optimal health is usually in the middle ground. The middle ground is that beautiful space where you can feel you got what you needed without overextending yourself. For example, this can mean popping in to a holiday party for less time than usual, making your gathering smaller, or pairing down on presents.

Allow yourself to grieve

If the holidays remind you of a loved one who has passed (or relationships that aren’t well) that’s ok. Lean into your feelings and ride the wave of that emotion. It may ebb and flow, but it will also pass. If this is the first holiday season without them it may be especially hard. Consider honoring them in a way that feels good and carefully plan ahead about how to spend your holiday so that you are not overwhelmed. A delicate balance of alone time and connection is usually what’s needed.

Ask for help

Spread the love. There is no medal for doing it all yourself. For most people, contributing feels really good. If you are a parent, asking for help models healthy boundaries. It let’s our kids know we have limitations and needs. It models how important participation is within the family system. Let’s raise a generation of helpful sons and daughters.

If natural supports aren’t available, plan ahead to seek community

If you suffer from loneliness during the holiday season, plan ahead! There may be an event in the community that you can attend or perhaps there is an acquaintance that is dealing with the same thing and there is an opportunity to join forces. If you will be spending the holiday alone, make it special for yourself. You deserve it. If none of that sounds appealing, consider volunteering on that day.

Be planful about taking breaks and scheduling downtime

Be planful about not overdoing it. Say no to a few things and schedule in naps, walks, etc. If you are at an event and are feeling overwhelmed, excuse yourself. Take a breather outside or even in the bathroom if you have nowhere else to go!

Celebrate at a different time

If the hustle and bustle of the holidays feels overwhelming, but you still want to acknowledge them, consider changing the date! I know it sounds crazy, but it works. I once hosted a big thanksgiving the first weekend in November and it was awesome. Everyone was less stressed because it broke up the holiday season a bit more. Added bonus, all the thanksgiving food was plentiful in the grocery store.

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I Hate The Holidays