Apologize: 5 Important Reasons to Apologize to your Child

More than I like to admit or feel as a momma, I have had to apologize countless times to my kids. These are not fleeting moments of “mom guilt” either. These are the times that I know unintentionally I hurt or dismissed my child’s feelings, ignored their needs, invoked fears of abandonment, etc. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by my children’s demands, questions, and requests that I snap and respond harshly in a way that I know isn’t okay. There was a time I took my 5 year old camping and innocently didn’t pack enough warm clothes, so my kid is suffering in 30 degree weather.

I am not here to blame myself, but to expose and normalize the imperfections of motherhood. I do not need to be a perfect mom. It is unattainable, unhealthy, and probably a bit boring. I know I am a good mother. Actually, an excellent mom. However, ruptures in any relationship is truly inevitable. Two things are true: (1) I can cause a rupture in my relationship with my child and (2) still I can be a good great mom.

So, rather than just write about how to be a good enough mom, let’s be real and talk about the times we completely mess up and/or simply miss the mark. Let’s pay attention to those icky feelings we might down play, eat away at us, or ignore. These are the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, shame, blame, and annoyance. These feelings can be small like a little pebble in a shoe. It is small, yet irritating enough to pay attention to it. Or, big and overwhelming. Let’s just give the big or small “yuck” feelings our attention, because it can have profound impact on our own emotion regulation and our connection with our children.

5 Reasons to Apologize to Your Child

1. Teaches People Are Human: When apologize, it inherently teaches children that people, even parents, are not perfect. We have flaws. We mess up. We can cause pain or suffering. Perfectionism is a major issue in our society; therefore, being able to admit that even parents will make mistakes can help your child accept the mistakes and imperfections in themselves and other relationships.

2. Develops Emotional Intelligence: Use these moments to teach about icky feelings like shame, regret, blame, guilt, and embarrassment. These feelings can make our bodies feel uncomfortable like our tummies, shoulder tightness, headaches, or other body aches. It may cause us to want to retreat or hide.

We often want to minimize, dismiss/ignore, or get rid of these feelings in some way, because they don’t make us feel good. However, ALL feelings are valid and important. They allow us to experience regret. Imagine a world without regret, guilt, shame, etc. Life or society would be a lot more scary, unethical, immoral, and unlawful.

3. Modeling Behavior and Emotion Regulation: Children learn a great deal from observing parents' actions. When you apologize, you set a positive example of taking responsibility for your actions and demonstrate that everyone, even adults, make mistakes. This can open up lines of communication, allowing your child to express their feelings more openly and honestly with you in the future.

You are also inadvertently teaching them that there are all kinds of healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with these hard feelings. Help your child identify what these icky feelings make them want to do. Talk to them about healthy, often harder, ways to work through these feelings, but often results in stronger and healthier relationships.

4. Demonstrates and Builds Empathy: Apologizing helps children understand that their feelings matter. When you say you're sorry, you're acknowledging that your actions may have hurt them, which can help them develop empathy. It also teaches kids how to rebuild trust in relationships. If you've done something to upset your child, apologizing shows them that you recognize and respect their feelings, which can help mend the relationship. They matter!

5. Promoting Healthy Relationships: An apology is often the first step in resolving conflicts and highlights respect for yourself and others, which inadvertently teaches boundaries. You are helping them learn about solving problems in relationships and how to work through them. You are normalizing their humanity, so those icky feelings aren’t as big and overwhelming.

In essence, apologizing to your child not only helps to mend and strengthen your relationship, but also provides them with valuable lessons in empathy, communication, respect, and emotional intelligence.

We have a whole course on building a strong foundation with your child. Before you think, “It’s too late. They are too old.” Think again! It’s never too late and if you are here reading about how to apologize to your kid, the chances are you are invested having a strong and healthy relationship with your kid already. Check it out!

Apologize: How Apologies Earn Respect and Model Healthy Relationships

We know that ALL relationships are not perfect. We WILL MESS up! Instead of seeing this as a bad thing where we beat ourselves up with guilt and shame, we have an opportunity to teach our child(ren) how we work on and repair ruptures in relationships. We can teach our kid(s) how to fight in healthy ways, how to apologize, how to listen well, how to negotiate and compromise, how to grow in relationships when things go south…the list goes on!

Repair work might be the single most important thing you can do in any relationship, yet often the hardest for people to do, and do it well.  It means you are coming back to the relationship with your child to check in on them. You are showing them that they matter to you.

We’ve got a great article specifically on apologizing. Check it out.

Repair work can be a quick apology or something that takes time and effort. It means it could take weeks, months, and even years. Repair work is about rebuilding trust and trust simply takes time. Be patient. Be kind. Show love. 

The underlying thread here is that a genuine apology means you actually have to have empathy for your child.

How to Apologize to Your Child:

(1) Take responsibility

(2) Apologize when you mean it

(3) request forgiveness

(4) commit to change

What a sincere apology can sound like: 

“Mommy got overwhelmed and snapped. I’m so sorry for yelling. I will work hard to let you know when I need silence or a break earlier. Will you forgive me?” 

“I’m so sorry I forgot to pack warmer clothes for you. It was my responsibility. Will you forgive me?”

“I blamed you for spilling your drink on the floor. You are still learning and that is okay. We can clean it up. I am sorry for making you feel bad for something that isn’t your fault. Will you forgive me?” 

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We are all about wanting to help you better understand yourself and improve your meaningful relationships. We know it takes effort, time, and money to invest in you. Check out our courses, which are all packed with bite size lessons filled with meaning knowledge, insight, and actionable steps to help you be the best version of yourself for you, which means your relationships as well. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. This is your time and journey you invest in you! We promise you won’t regret it.