How To Communicate in a Relationship
How often do you use Trigonometry? The answer is pretty easy for me. Never. I am not sure I even remember what it actually is. We spend a lot of time in school learning really important and foundational material, like multiplication, grammar, etc. Then we get to the fancy stuff like algebra, learning about marine life in biology, etc.
Here’s what I can’t understand. We don’t ever learn about how to effectively communicate with one another, yet we are in constant communication at home, at school, at play, and at work. We also all deal with misunderstandings, hurt feelings from unkind words, and all know how good it feels to be praised by someone we care about. We aren’t born knowing how to effectively communicate. Like riding a bike or learning multiplication, we need to be taught how to communicate well.
Some of us are lucky and our caregivers modeled top notch communication. Most of us were not so fortunate. In extreme circumstances communication was in the completely unacceptable form of physical violence or verbal abuse. If that’s you, we see you and we’re holding space for the pain that experience must have caused and likely still causes. Most of us probably grew up in the middle ground. In the middle ground there’s both clear, open, and direct communication and also yelling, silent treatments, and unwillingness to take the other person
Poor Communication: Why you might have trouble communicating in relationships.
One of my professors used to say “human beings are made, not born.” I love this. I love it because it’s such a compassionate and accurate lens. It is a reminder that we are not born knowing how to do all the things, even the things that seem “basic”, like talking to one another or performing household chores. So, if getting your point across, expressing feelings, or standing up for yourself, feels hard then have some self-compassion. It is likely that you weren’t actually taught how to do these things well. The good news is that you can learn it now. It’s not too late. Added bonus, whatever you learn now, you can model to those around you. It helps everyone when we communicate well.
Take a moment and ask yourself these questions in order to understand what communication was like in your home growing up. As you are answering them, remember that communication can be with words or with actions (i.e., silent treatment, slamming doors, raised voice, hugging, smiling).
When your caregiver was upset, how did you know?
How did your caregiver express positive feelings?
How did your caregiver express unpleasant feelings?
How did your caregiver handle conflict with other adults in the home?
What were some acceptable ways to get your feelings out growing up?
How to Communicate Better in a Relationship
Communication is how we get our needs met and how we meet the needs of others. It’s part of what makes children so endearing. They are usually not afraid to express vulnerable and honest feelings. My son looked at me with tears in his eyes the other day and said “I need a mama hug.” How adorable and also how clear! He had a need and he was not afraid to say it.
Communication helps us to manage conflict, as well as prevent conflict.
Communication helps us to set boundaries that help us take better care of ourselves.
Communication helps us to reach shared goals. When we communicate well, we are able to verbalize a goal and the steps needed to reach it. Then, we can come together and accomplish it.
Effective communication can increase intimacy in relationships.
If you struggle with communicating well in your relationships check out our workshop How to Communicate Better.
Verbal and nonverbal communication
We are communicating all the time. We are even communicating in our silences and in our actions. Communication can be verbal or nonverbal.
Verbal communication: What is it?
Verbal communication basically means that we are relying on words to communicate the information. We have a ton of articles on how to improve communication in this domain.
What is non verbal communication? Examples of non verbal communication.
Nonverbal communication does not depend on words or sounds. Examples of nonverbal communication include hand gestures, body language, body posture, facial expressions, etc. The majority of communication is non-verbal.
Relationship Advice for Women
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