Toxic Mother in Law?
Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells when you are with your mother-in-law?
Do you feel like you will never measure up? Do you feel like you are constantly falling short in some way?
Do you feel like you can’t be honest with her about how your feel?
How about feeling exhausted when you are with her?
Is something wrong between you and your mother-in-law? Maybe you can’t even put your finger on it and name it, but you know there is something there and you know you are not “crazy” for feeling this way. Or perhaps you know exactly what it is.
It is hard because you are dating, engaged, or married to someone you love, but you are stuck in a relationship with your mother-in-law that you don’t really like and/or who doesn’t like you. Perhaps it’s unclear and you aren’t even really sure if she likes you or not. Here are 10 signs your mother-in-law is toxic.
8 Signs of a Toxic Mother in Law
1. Walking on Eggshells:
Do you have to bite your tongue and withhold your own needs, wants, or wishes? Notice your bodily reactions to when you are around your mother-in-law. Do you feel tense, on edge, stiff, and on constant watch? If this resonates, chances are you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. This is not healthy or okay. A sign of a healthy relationship is when we can safely communicate our own needs, address any problems, and repair any damage that has been done in the relationship.
Solution: Talk with your partner about it or a friend. This might not be a relationship you can safely address your needs, which is sad. If you can talk with them about it, learn some assertive communication skills to help you along the way.
2. Talks Badly Behind Your Back
Does your mother-in-law talk about you behind your back? When we use communication to tear people down, we end up hurting others and ultimately ourselves. This is not okay! We call it passive-aggressive or aggressive communication, which is not helpful and is unhealthy. It is disrespectful, indirect, inappropriate, and potentially dishonest. When we use communication to tear people down, we end up hurting others and ultimately ourselves.
Here is the thing, it isn’t just about what we say, but also about who you say it to. It is one thing to talk about an issue you are having with someone with a friend or your partner, which is healthy and appropriate. Being able to share your feelings with a person close to you can help you get clarity, direction, advice, and vent. However, talking about you to several people who know you isn’t okay. It starts to feel like your privacy is being invaded. You also may question whether your mother-in-law is intentionally being malicious, which can damage your reputation or relationships with others. This is never okay.
There are spoken and unspoken boundaries in relationships for a reason. Boundaries help people feel safe, protected, loved, and respected. When we talk to a lot of people about someone else, we are likely crossing emotional boundaries. It becomes incredibly hurtful.
Solution: This often needs to be addressed head on, or you have to really limit what you say or the time you spend with your mother-in-law. This can be really damaging and hurtful. If you address it, check out these tips of ways to stand up for yourself.
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3. Superiority/Inferiority Complex
Perhaps, you have noticed that your mother-in-law is frequently making comparisons between you and her, whether it has to do with being a wife/partner, mothering/parenting job, etc. It feels like you are always being sized-up in some way, which might show up in the form of criticism. She can always do something better, more efficiently, or the “right way.”
Solution: (a) If she is aware of this pattern, you can gently bring it up to her. Try saying, “Sue, I know I am not you. I am still learning and figuring it all out. Please try to refrain from making comparisons about how you did things and how I do things.I am doing what I think is best and what is important to me.”
(b) If she is unaware and you feel comfortable speaking up, be kind, respectful, appropriate, honest, and direct. If can sound like, “Sue, I feel uncomfortable when you make those type of comments. I would appreciate if you didn’t make comparisons.”
4. Twisting Words
This one can be more subtle. Have you noticed a pattern where your mother-in-law will slightly change or twist your words? This is when she paraphrases what you have said but it takes on a different meaning. It can also be something you said, but taken out of context can mean something entirely different. Regardless, the original message isn’t being conveyed how it was intended. What is often frustrating, is you might try to clarify or correct but then your mother-in-law dismisses you or what you are saying. It can make your skin crawl.
Solution: “I noticed whenever I say something and it gets repeated, the meaning of what I intended changes. It has been really bothering me. Can we talk about it?”
5. Comparing You to the Exes
If your mother-in-law compares you negatively to ex-partners, this is a blatant disrespect. It is simply inappropriate and aggressive. It is only intended to hurt you and make you question yourself and your relationship. How are comparisons every helpful! If you can’t say anything nice, then you probably shouldn’t say anything at all.
Solution: If you feel like you can, I encourage you to try and address the problem and place a boundary with her. It can sound like, “Sharon, I feel really uncomfortable and unwanted when I am or think I am being compared to the exes. I am asking that you don’t bring up Jack’s exes with me.”
6. Playing the Victim
Whenever you try to bring up any issue, problem, or conflict, your mother-in-law plays the victim. It is as if there are sides in a conflict, and she always feels like you are attacking her in some way. This is hard to navigate and often leaves you feeling frustrated because you can’t get some of your needs met. Nothing gets resolved for either person. Instead, frustrations continue to rise, and then resentment.
Solution: Try to use I-statements and treat each conflict/issue as a problem to be discussed and collaborative solved together. Check this helpful guide on how to use I-statements and tips on collaborative problem-solving skills. Psst…these are great skills to use in all relationships!
7. It’s All About Her
Have you noticed that every conversation, every topic, or every situation somehow become about her? You either roll your eyes, grit your teeth, or take a big sigh, because here she goes again. It feels like whatever is going on with you doesn’t matter or exist.
Solution: (a) If you think your mother-in law isn’t aware that she does this, try to bring it up with her. Remember to use I-statements and stick to the problem. It might sound something like this, “Karen, I feel unimportant or unheard when I can’t finish a thought. I wonder if you have noticed this in our relationship or other relationships?” If she is open, she might benefit from learning how to be a good listener.
(b) If you think your mother-in-law is aware of it, you might choose to not say anything because you know it won’t help since you have already tried. In the off chance she is aware and knows it gets in the way, try to talk about ways to help her in the moment. You can say, “Karen, let me finish my thought first.”
8. Ignoring Your Boundaries
Wait, you have needs, wants, opinions, wishes, and desires that are separate from your mother-in-law. Boundaries are healthy because they are what separate you from others (a.k.a. your mother-in-law). Boundaries are your identity! Therefore, if you assertively communicate your boundaries, but they are ignored, then this is toxic.
Boundaries are healthy and a normal part of development. When a 2-year-old says, “No,” they are first learning they are separate from their parent or caregiver. We don’t want to squash their emerging identifies, but encourage, mold, and shape them. However, 2-year-olds don’t have fully formed brains; therefore, they need adult guidance and nurturance to grow and learn.
With this being said, your boundaries are your guide book about what is okay for you. What makes you feel safe. It is not meant to punish or hurt others. They are meant to protect you, establish a sense of self, allow for healthy self-esteem, and identity formation. A mother-in-law who blatantly ignores your boundaries and doesn’t respect them, is inadvertently saying, “You don’t exist. Your needs don’t matter. Your sense of safety is wrong or doesn’t matter.”
Solution: You might have to put a physical boundary, not just an emotional one. This might look like limiting your time with them. This can be an unspoken boundary to establish and communicate with your partner. It can also be a spoken one like, “You are not listening and respecting my boundary, and you are continuing to hurt me. Therefore, I not let you come over unannounced.”
