10 Signs You Have A Toxic Daughter-In-Law
As any parent knows, we have very little control over the mate that our child ends up choosing. We don’t get to decide whether they are a healthy choice or a toxic choice. Unfortunately, some people may have the experience of their kid ending up in a toxic relationship. That also means you in end up in a toxic relationship. Let’s talk about 10 signs you have a toxic daughter-in-law and explore some tips on how to deal with this reality.
Daughter-in-law: Toxic Traits
They use disrespectful communication- Disrespectful communication is exactly what it sounds like. It includes name-calling, yelling, gaslighting, eye-rolling, glaring, overbearing posture, sassy tone, and more. Notice that disrespectful communication doesn’t just show up in what folks say, it’s also how they say it and what they do while they are saying it. That means nonverbal communication matters just as much as verbal communication. So, if this resonates, then it is likely your daughter-in-law is using disrespectful communication.
They are highly critical- Feel criticized when they’re around? You might notice that you say less or share less of who you are because you’re worried about you’re daughter-in-law’s scathing opinion.
They are very defensive- Defensive people are unable to take feedback. Defensiveness commonly takes the form of deflection or denial.
Deflecting is when we redirect the focus onto another person. For example, instead of owning that we did something wrong, we might place the blame onto our partner. Unlike projection, folks who are deflecting are aware they are doing it. This is problematic because it can be very isolating and tiresome the people we are in relationships with.
Denial is a defense mechanism aimed at avoiding uncomfortable truths. Denial is problematic because it is only effective in the short-term. It only alleviates anxiety and discomfort right then. In long-term, it leads to unaddressed problems stacking up and becoming insurmountable.
They are highly reactive- Ever feel like the extent that they freak out does not match the crime or the situation? Reactive people have strong reactions that are immediate and often inappropriate. This might include verbally lashing out or having outbursts of emotion that are disruptive.
Co-dependent on their partner- Do they have trouble doing things without your kid? Making decisions or having an opinion without your kid? Remember, co-dependence is very different that interdependence. As much as American’s might try to oppose it, healthy relationships are interdependent. We need each other and we each have things we bring to the relationship that add value and keep the ship running smoothy. Co-dependence is not healthy. At the heart of co-dependence in a romantic relationship is elevating their needs over yours and feeling deeply impacted by their mood. To learn more about co-dependence read this awesome article by PsychCentral.
They limit or cut off the contact you can have with your kid or the grandchildren- Isolating another person and deciding how someone else should spend their time is always a problem. Depending on the extent of it, it can be outright abusive. To learn more about the difference between toxic and abuse, check out our article. Does it feel like your kid has very little voice in how time is spent? Is the time with your kid or the grandchildren dwindling?
They are negative and judgmental- Toxic people are often entrenched in negative thinking and have a negative attitude and worldview. They often expect others and the world to let them down or to treat them badly, despite how well they are actually treated or have been treated. They are also quick to judge.
They are dishonest- If you’ve caught your daughter in-law in more than just a white lie or two, it’s likely that this is a pattern of being in relationships. No matter the reason for the lying, it is an unhealthy and toxic way of communicating in relationships. It makes it impossible to build trust or to show up authentically with one another.
They are passive-aggressive or outright aggressive with their communication- Do they not actually say what they are wanting to say and just hint at it in a slow, seething sort of way instead? That’s passive-aggressive. So if you are getting the sense that your daughter-in-law has a lot of ill feelings, but can’t point to some big explosion, it’s likely that the subtleties of passive aggression are at play. Outright aggressive behavior is more easily identified. This is screaming, name-calling, or being physical.
They try to put you in the middle of conflict they are having with your kid or the grandchildren- Do you feel purposefully tossed in the middle? Do you have way too much information? This form of manipulation is deeply problematic and can be a way of creating a wedge or gaining more power in the relationship dynamic.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
The signs of a toxic relationship are not just external. They are also internal. What I mean is that you can also identify a toxic relationship or toxic traits based on how your daughter in-law makes you feel. You can also pay attention to your behaviors around your daughter-in law. Are you relaxed? Tense? Quiet? Talkative? Forthcoming? Hesitant? Comfortable? Uncomfortable?
Warning signs:
You often feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you are with her.
You feel unable to be yourself.
You feel drained when you are with her.
You feel uncomfortable and uneasy in her presence.
You are hesitant to tell her how you actually feel or what you actually think.
You are resentful of her.
How to deal with a toxic daughter-in-law
Use Assertive Communication and Set Boundaries
Assertive communication is tactful, clear, and direct. It’s honest, appropriate, direct and respectful. It lets the listener know that you have boundaries and communicates what those boundaries are. Simply put, setting boundaries is setting limits. It’s you communicating to others (and to yourself) how you expect to be treated. Ultimately, boundaries are about honoring your values, needs, and feelings.
Example: “I feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice when we are talking. I am not willing to continue this conversation right now. let’s try again when we can both be calm.”
Use Healthy Communication and Actions
You know that old saying, “Treat other’s how you would like to be treated?” Model healthy communication and actions for your daughter-in-law. Remember, a lot of the reason that people are toxic is because they don’t know any other way of being in the world. Maybe their parents or caregivers were toxic or even abusive. Model having an even voice, appropriate eye contact, respectful words, and an upright posture.
Prioritize the Relationship with your Kid
The most important thing is your relationship with your kid. When making decisions about how to proceed with the daughter-in-law, let the goal be to maintain a relationship with your child. Of course, there are always expectations this, such as the daughter-in-law crossing the line into abusive behavior with you. That should not be tolerated under any circumstances. Outside of this exception, make sure that you are calling your kid regularly and trying to spend 1:1 time with them. Don’t spend your time talking about their wife. Talk about common interests and have new shared experiences.
Take breaks or limit time at shared activities
Remember, it’s a marathon and not a sprint. Take breaks at shared gatherings. Take the dog on a quick walk during the gathering or take a few extra bathroom breaks where you can take some deep breaths. You might even choose to stay at events for less time so that you can stay in your window of tolerance.
Toxic Adult Children
It’s important to keep in mind that you can experience adult children as toxic whether they are sons or daughter and whether they are in-laws or your very own biological kid. The signs listed above as traits of a toxic daughter-in-law are similar across all toxic adult children. It’s a different kind of sticky situation when they are our own children versus the adult children that married into the family. It might change how you cope with the situation and with how much you feel you have to lose if things don’t go well or become intolerable.
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