Am I the Problem?Am I Toxic? What are Toxic Traits?

Are you finding that you are the common denominator in your relationships going down hill? If so, ouch, that is a harsh reality. We are also really glad you are here because understanding why you are toxic can help you change it.

Am I Toxic? Quick Guide To Toxic Signs.

Of course, we are all going to have some toxic hiccups in our relationships from time to time. None of us are our best selves all the time. So when you are looking at this list I want you to really think about whether or not this is a toxic trait versus a simply a toxic state. Trait means patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that remain similar across different situations and is pretty stable over time. So if it’s a trait, you’ve probably seen a toxic pattern in many of your relationships. States are characteristic patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving in a concrete situation at a specific moment in time. So if it's a toxic state you likely wouldn’t see a pattern of relating this way in all your relationships.

What is a toxic person?

So, when trying to determine if you or someone you love is a toxic person, think trait and not state. That means there is a pattern that is stable over time and across circumstances. Check out the toxic traits below to determine what it is that you are looking for in terms of red flags!

What are Toxic Traits?

Toxic Trait List

• Disrespectful Communication with others (i.e, name calling, gaslighting, yelling, stonewalling, etc.). Toxic communication is outlined really well in our Toxic Relationship article.

• Trying to assign blame to others

• Testing the people you care about to see if they really care about me

• Tendency to smother others or to control them

• Highly critical of others

• The need to be right overrules other people’s feelings

• Defensive

• You don’t apologize or do it really poorly

Feel like you or your partners toxic traits are impacting parenting? Check out our parenting workshops.

Want to learn more about whether to not you are toxic? Take our The Toxic Person Test.

This will help give you a starting point for the question “Am I toxic” or “How toxic am I?”. It can also be used to assess how toxic your partner is and whether or not if your relationship is toxic.

Why am I toxic?

This might feel hard for you, but we are going to try and develop some compassion for why you can be a toxic person in relationships. We are capable of a lot more change when it comes from a place of compassion versus a place of self-loathing.

Modeling- We learn most of what we know about how to be in healthy relationships from our caregivers. This is unfortunate when our caregivers did not have healthy relationships. So for a lot of people, unhealthy, toxic relationship traits were modeled. Think back to when you were a kid.

• How were hurt feelings expressed by your caregivers?

• How was conflict handled?

• What did disagreements sound like and look like?

• Did you overhear or experience name calling, gaslighting, and disrespectful language?

• How did you know your caregivers were upset with you? What did they do, not do, or say?

For most people, our caregivers did a little bit everything. So there may be a mixture of healthy communication and toxic communication. For others, you’ll notice that your caregivers modeling falls on one end of the spectrum of the other. If you are one of those people where toxic communication/behaviors were the primary ones modeled, try and picture someone in your life that communicates/behaves healthfully in relationships.

• How do they interact differently in relationships than the toxic behaviors you were taught?

Skills Deficit- This piggy backs on the modeling piece. We can’t expect ourselves to do something well that we were never taught. So you continue to have toxic traits and unhealthy relationships because you don’t know any other way of doing it. Does this mean you get a free pass in perpetuity for behaving poorly in relationships? No, of course not.

Relationship Workshop

However, it does mean you have a learning curve and that’s OK. It means that as you learn these skills (and I believe we are obligated to do so, so that we don’t continue this cycle), you need to extend a ton of grace to yourself. Luckily, all of this CAN be learned. We have so many articles on healthy relationships and better communication, as well as a healthy communication workshop.

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