How To Be A Good Friend
Have you ever had a friendship that ran its course? Sometimes it’s because you’ve entered different phases of life (i.e., one person gets married while the other is single, one person starts a family while the other doesn’t want kids) and other times it’s a practical reason like relocating and simply not getting to see one another. What we don’t talk about much, and is likely a common culprit of friendships dissolving, are unaddressed problems in the relationship itself.
As usual, this boils down to communication. There are all sorts of workshops and how-to guides for improving communication with your kids and your partner, but there’s not much of anything on communicating with friends. This is surprising, given we spend our school years surrounded by peers and hopefully some of those peers are also our friends. Furthermore, almost any strong relationship has its basis in a strong friendship.
How to be a friend
My toddler came home from his preschool the other day and I asked him if he played with any of his friends. He said “no.” I noticed that this was becoming his typical response when I asked him about his day. I asked him more about it and he told me that he asked his friends if they’d like to play with him in his chosen activity and they said “no, thank you.” Mind you, he didn’t look upset about it, he just stated it a matter a fact fashion. I asked him if he ever asked to join into what they were playing and he said “I never thought of that.” We practiced how he might ask to join into their chosen activity.
So, there are two parts to this issue. One is my kiddo loves doing what he is doing and might rather play alone than do something he is less interested in. He is a toddler so that’s not totally surprising! The second part is that he didn’t have the skills to do it differently. He didn’t know that asking to join into their activity was an option. I also taught him that part of having friends is doing things they are interested in, even if it’s not your main interest. So, he also didn’t know that compromise (in this case joining into something he’s less interested in) is an important part of making friends. He nodded and said he’d try it the next day (and low and behold, it worked)!
The take-away is that my son needed to be taught. Communicating and being in relationships is actually a complex, nuanced skill. Did anyone teach you how to be a good friend? A lot of this stuff is just modeled in our household so you may have picked a few things up. Some of the things might have been really helpful (i.e., showing respect in a friendship through the language we use, asking questions to get to know them) and some might have been not so helpful (i.e., using pressure and coercion to get them to do what you want to do, ignoring their texts or phone calls when they’ve made you angry).
What makes a good friend?
What are the needs in the friendship?:
Friendships, like other relationships require an understanding of what the other person needs in order to feel connected and cared for within the relationship. If you’re not sure what the needs are in your important friendships then check it out with your friend.
Checking out the needs in a friendship can happen in the moment.
For example, if your friend calls and is in distress, you might ask “do you just need to vent or are you wanting help figuring out what to do?”
Or let’s say your friend is going through a divorce or separation from a long-term partner. You might ask “How can I support you during this very difficult time?”
2. Use assertive communication:
When you feel like your friend has said something that hit you sideways or that felt like it crossed a boundary for you, try and speak up and share your feelings. Even if you aren’t able to do it in the moment, try bringing it up afterwards. When we don’t speak up and something keeps happening, it is a breeding ground for all sorts of not so fun feelings. What your friend doesn’t know about, can’t be fixed! So, if you want to give the relationship a fair shake, your part is to share your experience. This might sound like….
“I’m not sure what you meant when you said that. Can you clarify so that I can make sure I am hearing you right?”
“I’m not comfortable with you sharing what we talk about with your husband. Can we agree that this is between you and I?”
Assertive communication is Honest, Appropriate, Respectful, and Direct (HARD). Check out our blog all about Assertive Communication to learn more about it.
3. I-Statements:
I-Statements are all about taking responsibility for your own feelings and thoughts. These messages are non-blaming so they are less likely to cause defensiveness in whomever you are communicating with.
The general format for these types of statements looks like this:
When you ___________________ , I feel ________________________ .
Instead of “You really pissed me off when you didn’t call to check in on me, even though you knew Jason and I just broke up.” Try “When I didn’t hear from you the day Jason and I broke up, I felt really hurt and angry.”
Here’s a more advanced general format:
I feel_____when_____because_____. I need____.
Instead of “You’re always late when we decide meet out for lunch. You clearly don’t respect me and the fact that I have to go back to work in an hour! “ Try “I feel disrespected when you are late for lunch because it’s a lot for me to leave in the middle of my work day. I would like you to try to be more intentional about being on time.”
It creates an entirely different felt experience. The first (the “you statements) leads to a breakdown in communication and the second leads to a dialogue.
4. Listen
Listening well is the backbone of good communication and it is imperative in any satisfactory relationship. It is also really hard to do well and especially when big feelings are involved. I could write a ton here about listening, but I already have. Check out our entire blog just on listening to learn more.
5. Friendships are reciprocal
Nobody likes a taker! A one-sided friendship won’t last. And if it does, the friend who’s not getting anything back will likely be dissatisfied. This is a breeding ground for resentment. Of course, there are phases when one person has a lot going on and needs more support and attention. However, when this becomes a consistent pattern in the relationship, there’s a problem!
6. Acknowledge when a transition is likely to impact the friendship
Change is inevitable. We can’t avoid that reality. Have you ever had a friendship that ended once you left a particular phase of life? Or have you ever felt worried that once your friend ________ (got married, had kids, left the same school as you, left the same job as you), that your closeness would be in peril? Share your feelings about this transition. This provides an opportunity for mutual grieving if less contact/shared experiences are part of that transition. Additionally, it allows for the opportunity to have a discussion about expectations. This might sound like…
“I’m so excited that your pregnant. I also know this means you’ll be less available for hanging out and uninterrupted phone calls. I can’t help but feel a little sad about that part.”
“I know you’ve been looking for a new job for a long time and I am excited you found one that is a good fit. I’ll miss eating lunch with you everyday! I’m wondering how we can stay in touch?”
7. State your boundaries and respect their boundaries
I used to have a friend that would bring other friends to lunches we set up or outdoor activities we enjoyed doing together. I would not know their friend was going to be there until I showed up. Honestly, I really didn’t like it. It’s not that they weren’t nice people, it’s that I love to connect one on one. I love deep conversation and mutual sharing. That’s not something I felt I could do with a third person that I just met also present in the interaction. Here’s how I could have set a boundary…
“I can see how much enjoyment you get out of having me meet important people in your life. However, I really prefer to see you one on one so that we can have quality time, especially since I don’t get time away from the kids very often.”
Sometimes we sense that we’ve crossed a boundary. Maybe our friend gets quiet or their mood changes after we’ve said or done something. To check out a potential boundary crossing you might say something like…
“It seems like something just happen there. Am I reading that right?”
If this sounds like a lot of work….
That’s because healthy relationships do take a lot of work. The upside is that not all friendships are the same level of closeness. Thank goodness! That means that how to nurture the relationship with our mom friend that we only see and interact with at our kids soccer practice is different than how we nurture the relationship with our best friend and confidant. Not only is the depth of each of those relationships significantly different, so is the maintenance. Also, all types of relationships (very close friends, acquaintances, work buddies, etc.) are important and healthy to have.
Since healthy relationships do take an investment of time and energy, focus on quality over quantity!
Toxic Friendships
Have you ever wanted to break-up with a friend? One of my pet peeves is that we have this whole social protocal for how to break-up with romantic partners, but we don’t apply that to other relationships. I’m not saying ending the friendship should be our go-to when things are uncomfortable, but sometimes ending the friendship is necessary. It feels bad to be ghosted. And I think it feels bad to be the one that is doing the ghosting. Instead of letting the friendship fade away, try having an assertive conversation about why it’s not working. Be clear about the fact that right now you are unable to be in the friendship.
I have a whole article on how to end a friendship that you can check out below…
Relationship Advice For Women
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