How to End a Friendship
Have you ever wanted to breakup with a friend? One of my pet peeves is that we have this whole social protocal for how to break-up with romantic partners, but we don’t apply that to other relationships. I’m not saying ending the friendship should be our go-to when things are uncomfortable, but sometimes ending the friendship is necessary.
It’s difficult to breakup with a friend. The heartache and long lasting impact of friendship breakups are unestimated and not really spoken about much in our society. It’s hard not only on the person ending the friendship, but also on their person being dumped. It’s a major pet peeve that not only do we have a sort of social protocal for breaking up with significant others, we also have a grieving process and grieving rituals in which it’s ok to engage in after the fact. In this article, I’ll do my best to give you a friendship breakup road map.
Friendship Breakup Protocol: How to end a friendship
It feels bad to be ghosted. And I think it feels bad to be the one that is doing the ghosting. Instead of letting the friendship fade away, try having an assertive conversation.
The fizzing out route takes longer and can create much stronger feelings of dislike and resentment when it is finally over. I think this happens because the fizzling out process feels disrespectful and dishonest. It’s a very passive way of handling it.
Having an assertive and clear conversation will make you nervous gearing up for the conversation, but that pain is short-term. If you are able to have a respectful conversation on your end, it doesn’t even matter how they take the news. You can walk away from the conversation knowing you did the right thing, stuck to your values, and were honest. It’s short-term pain for long-term gain.
Step one: Take time to really self reflect and determine what’s not working for you in this relationship and why you want/need to end it. Practice keeping your reasons for ending the relationship concise and respectful.
If you realize that you don’t actually want to break-up but rather want to improve the relationship, here are some tips on improving your relationship.
Step two: Set up a time to meet or to talk on the phone. I typically think it’s most respectful to meet in person, but the doesn’t always feel accessible to people. Consider the best way to approach the person based on what you need, what you are capable of, and on what feels respectful enough.
Step three: Use assertive communication to end the relationship. This means use I-Statements, be direct, brief, honest, and clear about what you are wanting/needing. Don’t be wishy washy about wanting to end it. This can happen when people start to feel bad or guilty about the break-up. Remember, pay attention to your body language. Have an even tone, upright posture, and good eye contact. Acknowledge that you know this must be hard to hear.
Example of an I-Statement: “I am feeling unhappy in our friendship.” This lands very differently than a you statement, which sounds like “You make me unhappy in our friendship.”
Example of assertive phrasing: “I am feeling unhappy in our friendship. I realize this might be hard to hear. I am realizing that what I need and value are things that are not ever going to present in this friendship. I respect you as a person and that’s why I wanted to have this conversation directly with you. I am needing to end our friendship in order to prioritize my wellness.”
If you need some work on assertive communication, read our article for tips!
Toxic Friendships: How to get rid of toxic friends
Ending toxic friendships may require a different protocol. If the reason you are ending the relationship is due to toxic communication patterns, you might choose a different path. It’s not appropriate to put yourself in the line of fire to put up with yelling, cussing, screaming, and other theatrics. In case of a toxic friendship, you might not meet in person. If you choose to meet in person that do it in a public place. It might be best to end the relationship through text message or a phone call. I recommend keeping it short and not opening a dialogue for back and forth communication about the decision.
For example: “This relationship is no longer working for me. We communicate in totally different ways and are very different people. I don’t want to be friends anymore.”
If the friend gets inappropriate immediately end the conversation or leave if y’all are in person.
For example, “I won’t tolerate being talked to in that way. This conversation and relationship is over.”
Depending on the level of toxicity in the relationship, it may be most appropriate to let this end of relationship fade away. Sometimes, a direct confrontation or conversation feels too threatening and inaccessible. If you choose this route, check your reasons. Is it because passivity is easier or is it because confronting it feels unsafe? If it’s the latter, proceed with the plan. If it’s the former, consider this an opportunity to push through discomfort and practice assertive communication.
If you’re unsure if your friendship is toxic, read more about toxic traits now!
Common mistakes people make when breaking off a friendship
Here are some common pitfalls to try and avoid:
Electing to ghost the other person rather than have an assertive conversation.
Ending the friendship via text or message on social media.
Talking about the ex-friend in shared social groups/community.
Failing to discuss how to handle shared social groups or seeing one another around in the future.
Letting the friendship go on too long, even though it is harmful.
Not being clear about wanting to fully end the friendship.
Using disrespectful communication when ending the friendship.
Over explaining when ending the friendship out of feelings of guilt or anxiety.
Relationship Advice For Women
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