Do Breaks in a Relationship Work?
The short answer: yes and no. It depends. I realize this is not the answer many want to hear. Relationships are complex and complicated; therefore, the answer to whether breaks work in a relationship is just as challenging to answer. Let’s first take a look at 6 popular reasons people take a break in relationships.
What is taking a break in a relationship?
The very unclear answer is “it depends.” It depends on who is taking it, why they are taking it, and what the rules and boundaries are during the break. The most general answer is that “taking a break” means that there is an agreed on period of separation from one another. So, there is an agreed on period of taking space. The people taking the break get to decide (and should decide), whether this means phone call, texting, or contact of any type is permitted. They also get to decide whether this means they remain faithful to one another during this time period or whether it means dating other people is permitted. Keep reading and in the “How to take a healthy break” section you’ll learn all the rules about how to go about this in the healthiest way possible.
6 Reasons People Take a Break in Relationships
Soften A Break Up:
They really want to break up or divorce but it is a softer way to do it. They think this will gently ease the their partner into the inevitable break up. However, this will likely just prolong their angst and cause them to worry more. They may try to do everything they can to salvage the relationship, such as, trying to change themselves, be a better partner, ask for couples counseling, etc.
Infidelity:
Someone in the relationship has crossed a boundary (e.g., emotional, physical, sexual, etc.). The other partner might need physical and emotional space away to clear their head, process what happened, and figure out how they want to proceed with the relationship.
Finding Yourself:
There are unique times when someone in the relationship needs space or time to figure out who they are. They need time to discover themselves and what they are about. We often see this in people who met when they were fairly young. As they have gotten older, they realized they haven’t figured out who they were outside of their partner. This can also happen in co-dependent relationships. Co-dependency is when one of both people emotionally rely on the other person to maintain the relationship or their sense of emotional security.
The problem with co-dependency is one person neglects their own wants, needs, and desires to keep the other person. They take responsibility or blame themselves for the issues in the relationship. They tend to have a fragile identity unless they are with the other person.
Toxic Relationship:
The relationship is toxic and time apart might help each person see things more clearly or in a healthier way. If you are wondering if you are in a toxic relationship, have toxic traits, types of toxic traits, or how to fix a toxic relationship, I highly recommend checking out these articles.
Playing the Field:
Someone in the relationship wants to hook-up or have a sexual relationship with someone else without the guilt. They believe “taking a break” might actually mean someone wants to be or is unfaithful but does not want to end the relationship. Therefore, make sure both partners understand the boundaries and definition of “taking a break.” See below for more on how to define, determine, and mutually agree to the rules of taking a break.
Needing Space to Figure Things Out:
You or your partner are deciding if your relationship is meant to last or not. When you are in a relationship it can make it difficult to sometimes process and see things clearly.
Is taking a break in a relationship healthy?
Once again, it depends. It depends on how you take the break. There is not hard and fast yes or no to this questions. Breaks work really well for some couples and for others they result in more confusion and turmoil. Just like anything else, what’s important to how we do it, not that we do it or don’t do it.
How to Take a Healthy Break in a Relationship
It is imperative to set boundaries when you want to take a break in your relationship. Keeping it open-ended, undefined, and unclear can be incredibly unsettling and is insensitive to the other person. They might feel like they are being punished, putting their life on hold, unsafe, insecure, and confused. There will likely be a lot of mixed emotions.
A boundary might look like, “I would like to talk at the end of the week. I don’t know if I will have an answer or any clarity by then, but I also want to be sensitive to your needs. I can call/meet up with you around 5:30pm. Would this work for you?”
Another one might sound like, “I am really confused and upset with what happened. I need some emotional and physical space from you to help me sort through my feelings. I don’t know if or when I will have clarity, but I will reach out to you on the phone by calling you on Sunday at 1pm. I will not go on dates and/or talk with any potential romantic partners on social media or apps, but I also expect the same. What are your thoughts about this?”
Just because you take a break, does not mean that the issue(s) are resolved. Often, couples come to therapy too late. One or both partners may have already decided to call it quits and go to therapy as a last resort. It is often too late then.
Go to counseling in a proactive manner! When couples take a “break,” the problems might have simply been put on hold. A couples counselor can be really helpful in identifying the issues to a couple, especially when they struggle with the same reoccurring fight. They can help couples communicate more effectively, reconnect, heal and repair damage, rekindle a connection, or help a couple see the path forward.
Here are some tools to help you define, communicate, and get answers or give answers. Don’t assume both people are on the same page. It is not clear cut. Ask these questions:
Be Emotionally Regulated for a Deep Discussion:
Ask for a break after both people are emotionally regulated or calm. When someone asks for a break, it will likely evoke feelings of insecurity, anger, sadness, and fear. It will likely invoke defensiveness from the receiving person, which is natural and expected since they will likely perceive it a s threat to their sense of self. Be sensitive to their reaction, and pause your own defensiveness. Understand where it is coming from, while also providing a boundary or redirecting the conversation back to the topic of “taking a break.” This might mean that partners may have to have several in depth discussions about a “break” if one or both people become too heated. Taking a “break” can be very difficult to discuss and upsetting.
Respect each other’s emotional process and be patient. It is okay to ask for a break from a conversation if you feel too upset to think clearly and/or you might say or do something you regret. However, it is important to reassure the other person that you/they will need a few minutes, hours, or days to return to the conversation, but you/they need to promise to return once you feel you can engage in a calm manner. Don’t wait more than 24 hours before communicating yours/their needs again. This could be used as a delay tactic or stonewalling method, which is not okay or healthy.
Defining what either you or your partner means by "taking a break.”
When both partners are able, define what a “break” means? When both partners in the relationship are calm, not fighting or emotionally charged, sit down and define what a “break” means. Does it mean one person is moving out? Does it mean both people can engage (e.g., texting, dating apps, dates, etc.) with others outside the relationship? Does it mean that you can call each other, text, communicating through social media? It is also okay to define, and then later tweak. However, the lines of communication must remain open to successfully navigate a “break."
What is causing or driving the decision to take a break?
Reflect back and clarify how each person understands what the “break” means to ensure everyone is on the same page. You might think you understand it but making sure you are on the same page. Communicating effectively is imperative. However, what can lead to someone needing/wanting a break can be related to poor communication skills by one or both people, which makes the process al the more complicated. * FemFwd has a ton of articles on assertive communication skills. I can send more content if requested. Also, feel free to check them out if you want more content on this.
What are the boundaries or parameters of a break? How long? What forms of communication (i.e., texting, social media, phone calls, meeting up, etc.) is okay and the frequency?
Decide when and how you will reconnect or communicate with one another. Some people will really want to know exactly when you have made a decision to return to the relationship or potentially end it. It is an unsettling feeling, because many will feel like they are putting their life on hold. They will likely feel very insecure and unsafe. Therefore, it can be helpful to say something like, “I will reach out to you by XYZ timeframe. I may not be ready to have an answer by then, but I will be in touch by that date and time.” You want to establish who, when, and how/where you will communicate.
What is the goal or purpose?
Communicate what the purpose of a break. Why do you and/or your partner want a break? Be intentional with your decisions and behaviors. Be able to communicate clearly what it is you want and what you need, while also being sensitive to the other persons reactions. For instance, “I need a break because I feel confused about what I want and need in myself, my life, and our relationship. I understand how this might feel incredibly concerning and worrisome for you. I don’t wish you any harm and understand whatever reaction you might have. I am open to your experience and feelings. I hate the pain that this might cause you.”
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