How To Fix A Toxic Relationship
If you’ve find yourself here then you’ve likely already decided that your relationship is worth fighting for. That means you know that there are toxic traits in the relationship and want to put in the work to fix the toxic relationship and to learn healthy communication. So, first and foremost, we’re glad you’re here! We live in a culture more and more that just “cancels” what is not working for them. While there is a time and a place for that, such as an abusive relationship, there is also a time and place for putting your heads together and working through the hard stuff. The only way to break toxic patterns in relationships is to learn healthy relationship skills and this isn’t all about our partner, it is also about us. Toxic relationships are often a two-way street.
Toxic Relationship Signs
Here’s a brief overview of signs of a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships include a pattern of toxic traits like unhealthy communication, such as gaslighting, name calling, yelling, and blaming. Folks in toxic relationships can be controlling, manipulative, and very defensive. For a deeper dive into signs of a toxicity, check out the article below.
It’s important you also be able to identify toxic relationships, which we outline in our article below.
When we have toxicity in our romantic relationships, it’s likely those pattern of communication follow us into other important relationships. Feel like you or your partners toxic traits are impacting parenting? Check out our parenting workshops.
7 Ways to Fix a Toxic Relationship
Awareness of you and your partners toxic traits
It’s important for you to really understand the definition of a toxic relationship and what toxic traits you are displaying within this particular relationship. You can’t fix what you don’t understand or see clearly.
You might want to start by asking yourself, why have my relationships ended in the past? What are some common complaints or feedback that my past partners have given me? Or what gets in the way of me communicating well in my relationships? Do my emotions get too high and the I yell or do I shut down and stop talking because I don’t know what else to do? Click below if you want to read our article “Am I toxic?” to determine what toxic traits you posses.
Start by taking our Toxic Relationship Quiz to learn more about what toxic traits you or your partner are displaying in the relationship.
Understand the why of how you found yourself in a toxic relationship
There is pretty much always a why behind what we are doing and when it comes to toxic relationships that why is usually found in childhood trauma and/or poor modeling by our caregivers. Let’s face it, healthy communication is a learned skill and unfortunately, many of us were not taught how to do it adequately.
Take a moment and ask yourself these questions in order to understand what communication was like in your home growing up. As you are answering them, remember that communication can be with words or with actions (i.e., silent treatment, slamming doors, raised voice, hugging, smiling).
When your caregiver was upset, how did you know?
How did your caregiver express positive feelings?
How did your caregiver express unpleasant feelings?
How did your caregiver handle conflict with other adults in the home?
What were some acceptable ways to get your feelings out growing up?
Desire to break the toxic pattern
If both of you are not on board, then this won’t work. I’m not saying the motivation has to be perfectly 50-50, but I am saying that each of you need to have a vested interest in fixing your toxic relationship. So, I encourage you to sit down with your partner and really dive into whether or not they are ready to do the work it takes to change the relationship dynamic, too.
Learn how to communicate better
This is no small feat. Effective communication is a game changer, but is also really hard to do well. Good communication is the key to fixing a toxic relationship.
Active Listening
First and foremost, being a good listener is the backbone of good communication. Listening requires that we put our agenda on hold and show curiosity and interest in what our partner is saying. We do this through both verbal and non-verbal cues. Fortunately, we will soon have a whole article on listening and I hope you’ll take the time to read it.
Use I Statements
Next, try using I statements and softened start-up’s. I statements reduce defensiveness and require that you take ownership for your feeling. An I-statement sounds like, “I feel really frustrated when ______.” A softened start-up is approaching your partner in a non-confrontational and non-critical manner. So a softened start-up is less about what we say and more about HOW we say it. Both of these things initiate and continue the conversation, rather than shut it down! We go into a lot more details about non-toxic communication techniques with your partner in this article.
Focus on one thing at a time
Last, focus on one thing at a time. We have all done the thing in an augment where we start off talking about one thing and then end up talking about ALL the things. Dr. John Gottman calls this “kitchen sinking”, which is a style of complaining where you throw in everything but the kitchen sink into your list of complaints. Often times we start doing this because we are getting too heated and too emotional. Check out a way to manage “Staying on Topic”, as this is a common communication barrier.
Relationship Workshop
We have an amazing workshop that covers the barriers to good communication and how to overcome each of those barriers. Click the button below and it will take you to the course.
5. Notice and name the toxic relationship pattern in the moment
This is part of the reason you’ve learned all those fancy communication skills. This is where the rubber meets the road. When you’re in an interaction with your partner and you notice you’re slipping into a toxic communication pattern, say it! This means use non-toxic, healthy communication to name what’s happening in the relationship dynamic. Y’all might decide ahead of time how you want to let each other know in a gentle, non-critical way that the toxic cycle is taking over. So this could be something simple like, “We are doing in again. We are in a toxic spiral.” It could also be a funny code word that breaks the ice and makes you laugh. Then decide what’s best for you both once your recognize it’s happening. For example, it might be agreeing to take a break and to come back when you are both calmer and ready to try again.
6. Learn how to apologize to your partner
There is no way to always get it right and while you’re learning non-toxic ways to communicate, you’re bound to slip back into old habits. So get ready to do a lot of apologizing and repairing with your partner. It’s also very likely that the toxic pattern that has been in the relationship has caused damage. So even without new injury, y’all likely need to come together and repair the hurt that has already been done.
Remember, relationships don’t end because people argue, rather relationships end because people fail to repair the rupture. That’s because repair builds trust! It creates a strong foundation.
So what does repair look like? It can be apologizing, checking in after a problem, and/or doing things differently. Check out our blog on how to repair relationships. You’ll learn step by step components of making a good apology.
7. Re-evaluate how it’s going on a regular basis
Learning how to be non-toxic and to communicate better with your partner is going to take time and practice. Think of yourself as being in recovery from toxic communication patterns and behavior. Recovery is not linear. Recovery has periods of progress and relapses. As time goes on, we hope the periods of progress and stability become more and more frequent and that the replaces are less intense and less frequent. The only way to know this is to check in with one another regularly to see how it’s going. Think if this as checking in on the emotional temperature of the relationship. Here are some questions to ask as sort of a “relationship check-up.”
I know we has a disagreement yesterday, how did you experience me in that argument?
Are you noticing any of my old habits in our conversations lately?
When we get into a heated discussion, are you feeling safe or do you have concerns about how I am behaving?
What areas of our communication still need improvement?
If there was one thing you wanted me to change in how I talk with you or behave with you, what would it be?
What are we doing really well in arguments/disagreements?
How has our/my communication improved?
This is actually another great use of our Toxic Traits Test, especially if you took it to get an initial feel for how toxic your relationship is. Keep taking it as you work on non-toxic, healthy communication and hopefully you will see that it is changing!
Relationship Advice for Women
We hope this article helped you to feel empowered to fix your toxic relationship. If you want to learn more about toxic relationships, check out some of our others articles on the topic, such as Am I Toxic. Subscribe to our newsletter so you don’t miss our upcoming articles. We promise not to spam you!
