How To Be Assertive
Whenever I got into a fight with my siblings, my parents always told me, “I don’t want to hear it. Figure it out yourselves.” The problem was I did not know how to communicate well and resolve conflict with my siblings, yet. See the problem with this approach? Who was modeling and explaining how to resolve conflict by communicating well? I share this because I believe many people learned unhealthy ways to communicate from childhood. It is NOT an excuse, but it does create understanding. It creates a space for us to heal and change. It means we have to be honest with ourselves and willing to learn other ways of communicating. Communicating well and assertively is a skill that is learned and therefore it can be taught.
Gender Bias: Assertive Women
As for women, I think it can be incredibly difficult for women to communicate assertively. We don’t want to come off as too dominate or too aggressive. We feel the need to strike a delicate balance of being soft and agreeable but also not being a push-over. Have you ever noticed this when you are communicating?
There is a gender bias in how women talk. I am a very outspoken, direct, and opinionated person. People may try to tell you or convince you that you are controlling or aggressive. I constantly think how and whether I need to dial it down. When these thoughts pop up, I often have to ask myself, “Am I being too much? Or is this a situation where gender roles and expectations are showing up?” It could be a little bit of both.
However, it is important to:
(1) pause
(2) reflect
(3) ask yourself where is this stemming from
(4) adjust accordingly
It is okay to be an outspoken woman. It is okay to have opinions. It is okay to speak directly.
What is Assertiveness?
The psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, defined assertiveness as the ability to share honestly, appropriately, respectfully, and directly what you think, feel, and need, while being sensitive to the other persons feelings. This can be applied in everyday conversations and interactions with your partner, children, friends, co-workers, and boss. He came up with the H.A.R.D. acronym to help us remember the components.
H. A.R.D
Honest
Have you ever been in a discussion with someone and knew there was more to the story, or that the person wasn’t being truthful or forthcoming? It is easier to pinpoint in children. I can always tell when my daughter is telling a white lie. Be honest with yourself and the other person!
Appropriately (right time and place)
We mentioned that a barrier to communication can be your environment. If you are in an argument, talk in a more private and safe location away from children and other distractions (phones, tv, etc.). Try to avoid arguing right before bedtime or during work hours. Set the conflict or issue aside until both of you can dedicate undivided attention to the topic.
Respectfully (no name calling or profanity)
This is where a lot of the hurt comes from. We may say things to intentionally inflict pain onto the other person. We may even know what triggers them. This is Dr. Gottman’s concept called the 4 Horsemen (Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness) that directly gets in the way of communicating effectively. We mention several others (e.g., gaslighting, poor boundaries, etc.) in our article, What Gets in the Way of Good Communication.
Directly (eye to eye with person)
Make sure you are using your non-verbal communication skills. Check out our blog to make sure you are using your body to show you are listening and engaged. I know that sounds straightforward and simple, but it is actually much harder when we are applying these skills when big feelings are involved. These also vary by culture!
Need help communicating better?
What are other communication styles? Passive Vs. Aggressive
As we shared in previous communication articles, learning how to communicate starts at an early age. Whether healthy or unhealthy, it is often demonstrated by influential adults in our worlds, like our parents. Remember, communicating well takes patience to unlearn these patterns, direct instruction, and lots of practice!
Passive Definition
Do you tend to be quieter and more reserved? Is it hard for you to speak up? Do you frequently apologize or take the blame in a conflict? Speaking up may be harder to do in front of unfamiliar people or your people of power, like your boss. The problem with this style or pattern is that people tend to be dishonest and indirect, which leads to lots of erroneous conclusions and frustration from others. It can also lead to depression and lots of anxiety. It can also lead to a buildup of aggression, which eventually unleashes. It may also come out in more passive-aggressive ways. Below are some features of passive communication, but only a few may apply for you.
Passive Communication Characteristics:
making your body small (i.e., hunched shoulders, head down, arms close to sides)
talk less or remain silent
distance yourself or walk away
take the blame or frequently apologize
hold your breath or take shallow breathes
avoid eye contact or close your eyes
Aggressive Communication
Dr. Gottman identified aggressive communication as inappropriate and disrespectful. It is sometimes intended to cause the receiving person to feel something strong like angered, embarrassed, belittled, humiliated, guilt, shamed, upset, triggered, etc. Not only are the words hurtful, a person’s non-verbal communication can be a tell-tale sign of aggressive communication. Below are some features of aggressive communication, but only a few may apply to you.
Aggressive Communication Characteristics:
talking becomes louder (e.g., yelling, screaming) and harsher
using your body to get physically bigger and closer
breathing gets heavier and labored
making threats or giving ultimatums
gesturing or posturing physical aggression (e.g., bowing up, clenched fists)
throwing objects near or around a person
punching holes in walls
slamming doors
glaring eye contact (fixed and intense)
There are also many of us who yell or say hurtful things, but immediately regret it. Ask yourself, how does it feel to be the yeller or be the recipient of the yelling? Probably not great for either. As a psychologist, I regularly hear parents tell me how yelling seems to be the only effective tool to change their child’s behavior, but that they do not like it. Chances are, these parents simply haven’t learned other ways of communicating effectively. We are human and make mistakes. This is not intended to point the finger to bring shame or guilt, but to help name what is happening so that we can change your behavior.
Remember…
Passive and aggressive communication are more extreme ends of the communication spectrum. Both can be debilitating to the person and the recipient. Both can be stigmatizing, especially the aggressive type. People often resort to these forms of non-assertive communication for different reasons.
While it is simple to classify each end of the spectrum, remember you can’t put people in these tiny, neat boxes. Some people may be passive in one moment, and then use aggressive means in other instances. There may even be mental health conditions, like social anxiety, trauma, depression, substance abuse, and selective mutism that make it even harder to find or use their voice in assertive ways. More importantly, both can be taught how to communicate assertively.
Creating Space for Change
Why change your ways? Assertive communication improves:
Your personal relationships and professional life.
You feel good about getting what you want or need without resorting to aggression.
You feel empowered since you are no longer getting trampled on by others.
Your ability to learn when and how to say, “No.”
It builds your self-esteem and confidence.
You are in control of your emotions!
Start off by taking the Assertiveness Self Evaluation Exercise. If you recognize there is room for improvement and a willingness to do things differently, identify specific ways you want to improve. You won’t be sorry!
Below are some scripts to get you started. If you find these scripts helpful, we will have a ton more available in our worksheet (we will announce when these are available). Modify them as needed to fit your situation. While it might feel strange and uncomfortable, we highly encourage you to practice them out loud and perhaps in front of a mirror. While many people greatly dislike role-playing or practicing out loud, it is an effective rehearsal strategy to make lasting changes.
Assertive Communication Examples
“I hear what you are saying.”
“ I need to say no this time.”
“I appreciate your input and perspective; however, I see it as (BLANK).”
“I really need you to hear me. I need a break. I am really struggling to be my best self.”
“It seems like we are really having a hard time communicating with each other. I need to step away to cool down, but I will return once (I cool down/ get some food/ get some rest).”
“I see that you are really amped up. I don’t want to be talked to like this. I know this is important but II need to walk away.”
“I feel (BLANK) when you do (BLANK).”
Relationship Advice For Women
As always, thanks for reading! We are all about teaching people, especially women, who to have more satisfying relationships. Sign up for our newsletter to receive our newest blogs right to your inbox!
