Parenting Teenagers
Parents primary concern is having their child suffer mental health conditions like anxiety or depression (Pew Research Center, 2022). It is important to keep in mind this study was also conducted right in the middle to end of the Covid-19 pandemic that shut down the world. Furthermore, the Center of Disease Control (CDC) research highlighted how teens mental health plummeted, especially for females. Therefore, your parenting concerns about mental health challenges is real. The “CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Data Summary & Trends Report: 2011-2021 highlights concerning trends about the mental health of U.S. high school students.”
“More than 4 in 10 (42%) students felt persistently sad or hopeless and nearly one-third (29%) experienced poor mental health (CDC Youth Risk Survey, 2021).”
More than 1 in 5 (22%) students seriously considered attempting suicide and 1 in 10 (10%) attempted suicide (CDC Youth Risk Survey, 2021).”
Many parents find it difficult to reach or talk with their teenager(s). What happened to the sweet, adoring, and loving child you had when they were little? It can be frustrating, even infuriating. If they only knew of all the love and sacrifice you showed them over the years. I often hear parents tell me they try to talk with their teenager but they are often met with frustration, a fight, shutting down, or stonewalling. Many parents say, “I tried to talk with them in a calm way, but nothing seems to work.” While the book Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Dr. Lisa Damour is written with teenage girls in mind, it can really help for all teens.
Having trouble keeping your cool with your teen? Check out this workshop.
Parenting Teens
The adolescent years can be quite challenging. They turn their attention toward outside relationships, or anything else, but you. Sometimes, it may even seem like they are trying to push you away. They can be quite good at it. In psychology, we call the teenage years a return to egocentrism. Egocentrism was coined by a renowned psychologist, Jean Piaget, who discovered that young children struggle with perspective taking or putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. We see egocentrism first emerge when our children are toddlers, and the world revolves around them. As toddlers they learn the word ‘no,’ they throw tantrums, and learn they have some control. They want independence, yet still depend on and need you. Sound familiar with your teen?! David Elkind, a psychologist, noticed this seems to re-emerge for a period in the adolescent years. If interested in learning more about teenage brain development, I recommend checking out a book by Dr. Frances Jensen, The Teenage Brain.
Even though they are much older, they still need you to help guide their decisions, provide boundaries, model healthy relationships, support them in their endeavors, teach them effective problem-solving skills, and lean on you for support during the emotional roller coaster that is adolescence. With this being said, there are many ways to try and encourage open communication with your teenager. While they may not respond favorably right away, it’s worth the time, patience, and persistence. What do you have to lose?
Parenting Tips: Effective Communication
Open Ended Questions
Try to keep it simple by asking open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot easily be answered with yes or no, which are close-ended questions. For instance, we often ask our child(ren), “Did you have a good day at school?” Although this is more often effective with preschoolers and elementary age, this type of question can be quickly and easily answered with, “yes” or “no”.
Why are open ended questions important?
We want to try and engage teenagers in a deeper way so questions that can be answered with a quick “yes” or “no” will not cut it. We also want to try and avoid questions that automatically place them on the defense or assign blame like, “What did you do,” “How could you", and “Why did you do that?” These are very effective ways to shut down the conversation quickly!
Below are some examples or ways to rephrase how we talk with our teenager. Try to stay on topics that are safe, light, easy, and of high interest to your teen (e.g., friends, sports, music, teachers they like or dislike, etc.). Try to avoid hot button conversations at first, until your relationship grows. Practice with your spouse, friend, or significant other! It’s much harder than we think, but with routine practice it becomes more natural and automatic. If you want to dive deep quickly, I highly recommend Dr. Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child, 6th Edition.
Examples of Open Ended Questions
Instead of, “Did you have a good day?” try “How was your day?”
Instead of, “Did school okay?” try “How was school?”
Instead of, “Are you upset?” try “Something seems off. What’s up?”
After you practice A LOT, remember less is more when it comes to talking with teenagers. Once you figure out how to start the conversation, they usually love to talk about themselves and their world. You might find yourself unable to get a word in edgewise.
Relationship Advice For Women
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