Touched Out: How to deal with it and how to explain it to your partner
Every morning at breakfast my youngest son (age two) asks to sit in my lap. I usually say, “You can’t sit in my lap right now because I am trying to eat my breakfast. I can’t eat my breakfast when you in my lap.” Naturally, he responds by saying that he will just sit right next to me instead. He gets up and pushes his chair to where it is touching mine. Then my older son (age five) says, “me too.” He then proceeds to move his chair right next to mine. Now I am sandwiched in between two children. I am unable to move my chair at all and my elbows are practically in my children’s plates. This might sound cute to you, and it is cute, but it drives me bonkers. I really dislike it. I desperately want my space. I want my bodily autonomy.
“Touched Out” Meaning
Touched out is a term thats meant to describe feeling overwhelmed by being physically needed constantly by kids, your partner, and even the family pets. This is usually a term reserved to describe the experience of mothers and is usually used to describe postpartum and the early years of having children.
Common reasons for feeling touched out
Breastfeeding multiple times a day
Lack of privacy in the bathroom (ever had a kid on your lap while trying to pee? I sure have!)
Soothing a dysregulated child (rocking, walking, baby wearing, etc.)
Cuddling
Cooking meals with a child in your arms or glued to your side (I once witnessed my sister scrambling eggs while breastfeeding a baby and with a toddler hugging her leg all at the same time)
Physically helping with all the things
In a way, I think the term touched out is better captured by the term “needed out”, but who am I to rename the concept? Let me explain. The underlying root here is constantly being needed. These little beings are quite literally dependent on us. They need us for everything, physically and emotionally. It’s just that the early years of parenting are very physical in nature. I think parents can feel terrible about not wanting to be touched by their kid or their partners. It feels awful to want to recoil from those that you love and that you love dearly. That’s why I think the reframe is so important. Most people, including self-critical moms, can get behind the fact that being needed 24/7 is overwhelming and downright exhausting. Touch is just one of the the ways this manifests, especially in the early years.
What being touched out does not mean
It does not mean:
That your a bad mom or partner.
That you are always going to feel this way.
That you don’t love your children or your partner.
That you don’t like physical touch or that you don’t need it.
That you're selfish.
Signs you’re touched out
Not wanting to be touched
Negative feelings when you are touched
Physical intimacy with your partner feels like work
Feeling tired of being needed
Feeling like your need space
What are some warning signs that you’ve noticed?
What to do about being touched out?
Of course, this is not an all inclusive list, but it is a great start!
Carve out times when your body is just yours. This is about creating space for bodily autonomy.
Ask for help and accept help
Alone time on a regular basis and not just when you are at your breaking point. This is a preventative method and I encourage you not to underestimate the value of prevention, as taking breaks will increase your frustration tolerance and expand your window of tolerance for meeting the needs others.
Spread the load- If you are partnered, ask and expect them to help. Set the bar as early as possible that they need to participate in the emotional, mental, and physical load that contributes to this feeling of too many people needing you all the time.
Nourish your body for you- Do things specifically for your body that are only for you, such as physical exercise, getting a massage, taking a bubble bath, stretching, etc.
Set boundaries- Set boundaries with your children, your partner, the household pets, etc. This boundaries can be specifically about your physical space and some boundaries can get out this underlying need overload you are experiencing.
For example, a physical boundary might sound like “Mama’s body needs a break right now so you can’t sit on my lap. I am happy to play legos with you and have you sit right next to me.”
For example, a boundary that addresses this need overload might sound like, “I am hearing you need a lot right now. I am going to finish making my tea and then I will help you with one of the things you are requesting. When that’s finished, we can talk about the next thing you are needing.”
How to talk to your partner about being touched out
First and foremost, it’s important to let your partner know it’s not about them. It’s not that you don’t love or that you don’t find them attractive or appealing. It’s about the overall taxation that your body is experiencing in this phase of life.
Second, it’s important for you and your partner to realize that phases don’t last forever. The level of touched out that you feel won’t last forever and is usually the most prevalent in the first year of postpartum. You may want to make “this is temporary” a mantra.
Third, let them know what coping strategies you need to implement (and that you need their support to implement) to minimize the impact of feeling touched out the marriage. For example, you might ask your partner to take over the bedtime bottle feed or make sure to set away for a body break for a while and have your partner be the primary partner on with the kids during that time.
Having trouble communicating with your partner in general? You’re not alone. Check out these two workshops!
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