My Wife Yells At Me
If you are like me, this question, “Why does my wife yell at me,” makes your blood boil...just a bit. Then some sadness creeps in. About 25,000 people have searched this exact phrase per month in Google. In comparison, approximately 21,000 people search, “My husband yells at me” in a given month. This causes me to question and deduce a few things: (1) there is a lot more yelling going on in marriages than I would have suspected, (2) why are women yelling more, (3) are men just looking this up more, (4) why are people looking this up online, and (5) why isn’t anyone talking about it…
As a woman, there are so many reasons why I have urges to yell and have yelled on occasion. I often think, “Why don't husbands or men get it? I don’t want to yell. I actively try not to yell. It doesn’t feel good to me, and I am sure it feels awful to be yelled at.
It can be so validating to know you are not alone. It all boils down to two main reasons: (1) Feeling Overwhelmed and (2) Unmet Needs. Communication is a fundamental aspect of any relationship, and within the boundaries of a marriage, healthy communication is paramount for a successful marriage. Yet, conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, and in some instances, they can escalate to yelling or raised voices. This article is to help you better understand the reasons behind why your wife yells or raises their voice, offer insights into your marriage, and practical strategies to foster effective communication patterns.
Keep in mind, that yelling can also be a sign of abuse. Abuse is a persistent pattern when someone is trying to establish and maintain power and control over another person. It can be slow (a.k.a or fast) and almost impossible to see while you are in the relationship, but usually trusted friends or family members can see it. Seek professional help if you are in an abusive relationship or feel threatened in any way.
Visit the domestic abuse hotline if in this situation.
Text: START or 88788
Call: 1-800-799-7233 or 911
Chat: There is a chat feature on the website above.
If you are not in an abusive relationship, most women don’t actually like to yell. It doesn’t make you or your wife feel good. It can tear down a marriage or relationship over time. It is toxic to any relationship. Therefore, it is important to look behind why your wife is yelling, rather than the behavior of yelling. Let’s dig a little deeper! (Psst, if you are wondering if you are toxic, check it out below. There is even a free quiz.
Here is an example that can be translated in many different areas. Have you ever wondered why your wife yells at you because she wants you to automatically unload the dishwasher and load it with the mounting dirty dishes. You might think, “Wow, all she had to do was ask me, and I would have done it.” These simple request and response can result in a massive blow up. For what, the dishes. I will be using this example to demonstrate how something so little can mean something so much more.
Exploring 7 Reasons: Why My Wife Yells At Me
1. Unresolved Issues
One of the primary reasons why your wife may yell at you is unresolved issues that keep resurfacing in the relationship. If you have been with your partner long enough, you may have noticed that the same issues keep happening. Unresolved problems and pent-up emotions fester over time, leading to frustration and eventually resulting in an explosive outbursts…yelling out of anger!
While it is crucial to address issues as they arise, there are often many barriers getting in the way to communicating these issues. In other words, they keep resurfacing because they are not adequately getting addressed. Creating a space for open and honest discussion to prevent them from escalating to yelling is key. For a deeper dive about what is getting in the way of you resolving the same issues, read the barriers to communication article below by clicking on the “Learn More” button.
2. Disparity in Gender Roles
Life can be demanding, especially for working women. Yes, men/husbands/partners also do a lot to help their households. This is not to discredit, disrespect, or emasculate what our husbands do. Two things can be true: (1) men do A LOT to help, and. (2) women also tend to take on additional roles in the home due to gender biases. Let’s pause the defensiveness that might be rising and hear me out.
Women often are the executives of the home as they tend to manage the mental, emotional, and physical load of the home. What does this mean? They are managing the grocery list, washing baby bottles, tending to the endless laundry and dishes, packing lunch boxes, researching ALL the things having to do with baby/kids, keeping up with removing the clothes your kids have outgrown and knowing when it’s time to purchase the new ones, scheduling appointments for the family (e.g., haircuts, dentist, therapy, etc.), planning date nights, and the list goes on and on.
It is rewarding, yet exhausting when they are also working outside of the home, trying to maintain or have a healthy marriage/partnership, keeping up with their social life, and hoping to take care of themselves. It is A LOT. To learn more details about the load women often carry and discover helpful strategies to change this gender difference, check out the article in the button below.
Therefore, your wife may yell at you as a way of releasing her own stress of this unfair gender role disparity. It's essential to recognize when these factors are contributing to her behavior and offer support and understanding during challenging times. Also, unload the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes and load them without having your wife ask! It will help you and your relationship…BIG TIME!
3. Miscommunication
You heard this before, but miscommunication is bound to happen in any and every relationship. It is a common culprit in marital conflicts. Your wife wants to feel heard, seen, and understood. When she doesn’t feel you really hear her, see her, and understand her…yelling can sometimes be a result.
To mitigate this, practice active listening, which is actually much harder. Before you try to problem-solve the issue, stop and just listen. Allow your wife space to express her frustration, look at her, try to eliminate or reduce any distractions, nod, and truly empathize with her. You might say, “You are really frustrated with me and I see why. You feel overwhelmed and like you have to assign or remind me of chores. This isn’t fair or your job. I will really try to be mindful of the how clean or dirty the kitchen is and take care of it when it needs cleaning.”
*Effective communication skills prevent misunderstandings and reduce the need for yelling.
4. Differences in Communication Styles
People often have different communication styles. While some may prefer a calm and composed approach to problem-solving, others may resort to raising their voices to express their emotions. Some of these differences may also be cultural. Culture can mean your upbringing, community, and country. They all influence the way to communicate.
For instance, some latin cultures tend to use more fluctuations in their tone of voice, demonstrative body language, and emphatic facial gestures to convey what they are feeling. Therefore, your wife may feel they are raising their voice but not yelling to ask you to take care of the dishes. Therefore, there is a big disconnect between how each of you perceive yelling.
Understanding and respecting each other's communication styles can go a long way in reducing conflicts. Rarely, do couples actually talk about how they communicate and how it impacts the other person. Perhaps, when you are not in a fight, set time aside to discuss how each of you communicate when you argue. What comes up for you? How is the other person responding? What is triggering? How can you each respond differently so each of you feel heard? If you want a deeper dive, I highly recommend the very affordable workshop on how to communicate better. It’s worth the money, your time, and your marriage.
5. Emotional Triggers
Yelling can also be triggered by deep-seated emotional issues, such as past traumas or unresolved personal struggles. Trauma’s are so much more than a traumatic event like war, rape, natural disaster, the loss of a very important relationship, etc. Often, people survive relational or complex trauma, which is when you or your wife did not consistently feel safe, loved, or supported in your upbringing.
In such cases, it's essential to approach the situation with empathy and encourage professional help, if needed. Trauma-informed therapists, can provide a safe space to address these underlying issues. Many individuals who grow up in these type of environments often do not want to go to therapy, which means their defenses are working to protect themselves. We do not want to shame, guilt, or blame your wife into therapy but encourage it.
6. Feeling Disrespected or Ignored
Feeling disrespected or ignored can feel incredibly invalidating and frustrating and, ultimately, lead to yelling. Look at any 2-year-old. They will quickly escalate any problem or unmet need with a full blown tantrum at home, daycare, or in a store. They don’t have the cognitive ability to regulate their emotions, nor the skills. Plus, you have to teach them how to get their needs met in healthy and adaptive ways, rather than yelling.
As for your wife, imagine saying the same thing over and over again, but nothing changes. She feels ignored. If words don’t suffice to meet her needs, then even adults will often report to behaviors…yelling. Actively disrespecting and ignoring your wife’s needs can be cruel or at the very least, unkind. Ensure that you actively show respect and appreciation for your wife's opinions and emotions. Make an effort to validate her feelings and create an atmosphere of mutual respect in your relationship.
7. Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills
Not everyone possesses the skills to navigate conflicts effectively. If neither you nor your wife has developed healthy conflict resolution strategies, disagreements may escalate to yelling. This is often the case if one or both of you may have grown up in homes where there was high conflict or no one ever fought. Fighting is actually a healthy sign in a relationship when it is done respectfully and appropriately. You or your wife may have never learned the rules of fighting fair. Therefore, if you are asking yourself, “what are the rules for fighting fair?” Read the Fair Fighting article below.
Consider learning conflict resolution techniques together or seeking couples therapy to improve your communication and problem-solving skills.
Relationship Goals for Couples
In summary, yelling in a marriage is a complex issue, often rooted in a combination of unresolved problems, miscommunication, and emotional factors. It's crucial to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and a willingness to understand the underlying reasons behind your wife's behavior. By addressing these issues together, practicing effective communication, and seeking professional help when necessary, you can work towards a healthier and more harmonious relationship. Remember that both partners play a role in creating a nurturing and supportive environment where conflicts can be resolved with love and understanding.
Relationship Advice For Women
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