Have you ever stated your boundary and then have someone barrel over it anyways? Or felt like someone was dancing right on the line of your boundary? Whether intentional or unintentional, someone overstepping boundaries is very uncomfortable.

On the flip side, have you ever overstepped someone else’s boundaries? If we are being honest, we probably all have. It’s tough because not all boundaries are explicit and a lot of the time these boundary crossings are unintentional and without malice. It begs the question, should we speak up even if it’s unintentional or without malice? We you want someone to share if you crossed their boundary?

What is a Boundary:

A boundary is a limit. These limits are based on personal history, values, experiences, and culture.

Examples of Overstepping Boundaries

Initiating physical contact that the other person is not comfortable with. This can be as simple as giving a hug without real consent.
Friends who “dump” all their emotional baggage on another person. I am not taking about appropriate sharing or confiding. I am talking about word vomitting all the feelings/stressors in a way that feels draining and taxing to the other persons system.
Not respecting others view on social media. For example, some parents don’t want their kids pictures on the internet so posting a picture of their kid at your kids birthday party would be a boundary violation.
Sharing someone’s private information with another person.
Returning something you borrowed in worse condition than you found it.
A boss or manager who micromanages everything you do, despite your high quality and consistent work ethic.
Consistently showing up late to events or occasions with a planned start time.
Being asked or having pressure applied to disregard values or religious practices.

Warning signs that your boundaries are being overstepped

Recognizing warning signs that your boundaries are being overstepped is essential for maintaining your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Pay attention to your gut feelings or intuition. If you sense discomfort, unease, or a knot in your stomach in certain situations or interactions, it might be a red flag that your boundaries are being encroached upon.
Listen to your body. Signs of stress, tension, or exhaustion can indicate that your limits are being pushed. This might manifest as increased heart rate, sweating, knot in your stomach, etc. What are the ways in which your body warns you of a boundary crossing?
Feeling controlled, belittled, or disrespected in conversations or relationships is a clear indication that your boundaries are being disregarded.
If you find yourself constantly compromising your values, desires, or needs to please others, it's a sign that your boundaries are not being respected.

Trust your instincts and be aware of these warning signs, allowing yourself the opportunity to assert and reinforce your own boundaries.

Warning signs you are overstepping boundaries

One telltale sign is when you consistently disregard other people's opinions and feelings, dismissing them as insignificant.

If you frequently find yourself taking control of situations without considering others' input or consent, it may be a sign that you are crossing the line.
Another warning sign is when you invade someone's privacy by prying into personal matters or constantly asking probing questions. Depending on the closeness of the relationship and the setting, this could be very inappropriate.
Lastly, if you notice people frequently withdrawing or becoming distant in your presence, it could be an indication that you have encroached upon their boundaries. You might notice that the people around you are starting to disengage from you- maybe their answers are becoming brief, they are making less eye contact, or they are trying to leave the conversation.

Consequences of staying in relationships where boundaries are crossed

Relationship dissatisfaction
Withdrawing from the people responsible for crossing your boundaries (i.e., not texting back, not setting up activities, etc.)
Burnout
Negative feelings like anger, anxiety, resentment
Unmet needs
Unhelpful coping (i.e., that extra glass of wine, eating too much, etc.).

Boundary Crossing versus Abuse

Behaviors that are of physically, emotionally, and sexually abuse should not be negotiable in a relationship. There may be some things you are not willing to negotiate on. You may have some firm boundaries due to past trauma or other life experiences. You need to be clear about what those things are and communicate them right away in your important relationships.

Why do boundary crossing happen?

It is essential to acknowledge that overstepping boundaries is not always intentional or malicious. In fact, most of the time it is not on purpose.

Most of the time people don’t mean to cross boundary and don’t even know that they have done in. Some being reasons for boundary crossings include…

Cultural differences
Lack of awareness
Misunderstanding
The perpetrating party is trying to get their needs met and doesn’t know of a healthy way to do that.

How to manage boundary crossings?

The first step involves you and only you. And that is where you need to really be clear with yourself about what your values are and then what boundaries you uphold because of that. Second, when someone violates your boundaries (and I'm not talking about abuse here), I encourage you to use assertive communication. Here's some examples of how that could sound:

At work: “I am not able to come into the office on Saturday. I reserve the weekends for my family.”
With your partner: “It’s important to me that you don’t share the details of our arguments with your brother. It makes me really uncomfortable.”
With your kid: “Please don’t sit on mama's lap right now. Mama’s body needs a break. I’d love for you to sit right next to me on the floor and we can play legos."

We talk a lot about boundaries with kids in our '“Managing our own big feelings” parenting course. Check it out!

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Next, you may need to really flesh out what the boundary crossing meant with the violating party and come up with a different way for that party to get their needs met in the relationship. So that's the negotiation/compromise part. And you only negotiate on things that are negotiable so you need to be clear with yourself about what those are and what they are not.

Are boundary violations in relationships a reason to end it?

It depends. It depends on the magnitude and impact of the boundary violation, as well as whether or not this is a pattern by the perpetrating party. I definitely don't recommend having a hard and fast rule of ending relationships as soon as a boundary has been crossed. There is learning to be had for both parties when a boundary violation occurs. If the boundary crossing is relatively benign then it is an opportunity for the person to speak up about what didn't feel good and talk about how to negotiate it in the future. It is an opportunity for the perpetrating party to show empathy and respect and change their behavior.

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Overstepping Boundaries