How To Accept An Apology
You might be thinking that giving an apology is the hard part. Not necessarily. It can also be really hard to accept an apology. Accepting an apology requires vulnerability. It requires forgiveness and a commitment to continuing to reserving space for that person in our hearts.
What makes accepting an apology hard?
The apology is inauthentic. When the apology is half-hearted or lacks the necessary components, it is hard to accept (and rightfully so). A good apology should demonstrate an understanding of the wrongdoing, have empathy and compassion, and offer a commitment to change in the future.
Equating accepting the apology with condoning what they did. Accepting an apology does not mean you are OK with what happen or that their behavior was acceptable. It simply means that you are willing to allow them to follow through on their commitment to do things differently in the future and that you are open to rebuilding trust with them.
Hanging on to hurt and anger can feel protective. Accepting an apology can leave people feeling vulnerable and open to new injury.
You’re still hurt! Apologies may arrive too soon after the wrong has occurred, leaving wounds that are still raw and unresolved. Trying to process and heal takes time. Even though an apology might be offered sincerely, the hurt may make it difficult to accept and forgive. This is especially true when the apology comes quickly.
Trust is broken. A genuine apology alone cannot instantaneously rebuild trust that has been broken. Rebuilding trust requires consistent changes in behavior, reliability, and communication. Without evidence of meaningful change, accepting an apology may be a challenge.
They are a repeat offender! If the same thing keeps happening over and over again, an apology isn’t going to scratch that itch. And it shouldn’t!
If they are a repeat offender, you may be dealing with a relationship that has toxic traits. Check out our articles below to learn more.
How to respond to an apology
STEP ONE: Allow yourself to feel your feelings. This is not the time to shrink your feeling or bury your experience. Allow yourself to feel the full impact of what has happened. It's important to recognize the hurt or disappointment that you may have experienced or you won’t even not what kind of apology is worth accepting.
Step TWO: Listen fully to the apology. Don’t interrupt.
Step THREE: Use your judgment to asses whether or not the apology offered was genuine.
Here’s a handy checklist for that.
How to apologize to someone
Did they demonstrate full understanding of what they did and the impact that it had on you?
Were they empathic?
Did they take responsibilty for what they did?
Did they commit to a change in behavior in the future?
Look for signs of genuine remorse, such as tone of voice and body language.
STEP FOUR: Check out what you are feeling inside after the apology. What thoughts and feelings are coming up for you? Listen to your instincts.
STEP FIVE: If you feel safe enough, express what is coming up for you. Articulate your thoughts and emotions clearly, avoiding any accusatory or aggressive language. Use "I" statements to convey how their actions or words affected you personally. This is also a time to ask for clarity if you need it.
STEP SIX: Check in with yourself. Are you ready to accept their apology?
STEP SEVEN: Verbally accept the apology. Make eye contact.
“I appreciate you coming to me and taking ownership. I accept your apology, though it will take time to rebuild trust with you in this way. As part of accepting their apology, you have the right to protect yourself and set boundaries as necessary.”
STEP EIGHT: Depending on the severity of the offense, propose plan to keep checking in about it. This is not necessary in every situation.
“What happen has really shaken the foundation of our relationship. I’d like to check in with you about it in a few days. Are you open to that?”
“In rebuilding trust, it’s going to be important that we have regular check-in’s about the commitment to change you have made. Are you able to commit to that?”
How to respond to an apology when your still hurt
Here’s the good news: You don’t have to accept an apology right away. It’s OK to not be ready.
STEP ONE: Get to know the in’s and out’s of your hurt. How do you feel? What thoughts are you having? What else does it bring up for you?
STEP TWO: Give yourself permission to take your time. Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight. Understand that healing takes time and effort from both parties involved. Give yourself the time and space needed to process the situation and to forgive.
STEP THREE: Let the offending party know where you are in the process. Use clear communication and set necessary boundaries.
“I appreciate your apology and I am not ready to accept it yet. I am deep in my pain at the moment and that’s where I need to be. I will let you know when I am ready. I’d appreciate you giving me space during that time.”
STEP FOUR: Keep your commitment of coming back to them when you are ready to accept.
It can be hard to communicate when our emotions are big or when we are feeling overwhelmed. Check out our workshop that gives helpful tips and tricks.
Relationship Advice for Women
As always, thanks for reading! We are all about teaching people, especially women, who to have more satisfying relationships. Sign up for our newsletter to receive our newest blogs right to your inbox!
