Parenting In The Age Of Information Overload
I was surfing Instagram the other day and, of course, I follow a million parenting-related accounts. I was learning all sorts of neat things. Below are a few of the nuggets of information I gleaned during my nap time reading.
Parenting tips
It is beneficial to stay away from the phrase ‘’be careful” and rather use more specific language like, “what’s your plan when you take the next step?” The idea is that risky play and the phrasing we use promotes learning about their bodies and feeling confident and capable in their physical abilities. As I am digesting this information, my critical selfs interrupts to remind me that I said be careful like seven times yesterday, as my son attempted to scale the stack of firewood in the backyard.
Then there was the recommendation to serve a sweet with your kids meal and present it as just another food, rather than as a dessert or something special. It’s a brilliant way of not glorifying desserts and not putting “good” or “bad” labels on food. My critical self is back again. This time she’s here to remind me that I have specifically been serving “dessert” after meals a few times a week for about a year. I also make it a point to make a huge deal about anything chocolate.
Next, I read that sharing with your kid that what they said or did hurt your feelings fosters co-dependence, rather than teaches empathy. This one really hurt since co-dependence hits close to home from my own raising. Yesterday, after my son told me he did not want me to be his mommy anymore, I told him that when he said that it made me feel sad and hurt my feelings.
At this point, I’m feeling a little panicky and my anxious thoughts sounded something like this:
“I have no idea what I am doing. I am not getting this right.”
“I really don’t want to be the main topic of my kids future, intensive psychotherapy.”
“How on earth do I have a doctorate in human behavior and development?”
“My kid is going to only want cupcakes, have no idea how to maneuver his body while climbing or jumping, and think that he isn’t entitled to any of his own feelings because he might upset me!”
I am definitley not knocking the really important ways of doing or saying things differently that I learned from my social media surfing. I think it’s amazing that there is a wealth of information about how to do this really important job well. Rather, sometimes it just all feels like too much. Too much pressure. Too much word-smithing. Too much self-monitoring. I long for the days when you could only find something out by using a card catalog system. At least then I could say I didn’t know. I feel like parents today don’t have that luxury. There is so much information and it’s readily available. So how do we do this as modern day parents? How do we absorb information without feeling overwhelmed or becoming too self-critical?
How to avoid information overwhelm
Adopt a different mindset
I wonder what it would be like to be open to the possibility that the relationship with our children is not a one-way street. Rather, we are their teachers and they are our greatest teachers. When we become open to the possibility that we can learn as much, or even more, from them then we are able to teach, it’s a game changer. This frame gives us permission to mess up, cry, shake the dirt off, and try it differently tomorrow. It allows us to be curious observers of the process, rather than the resident expert. Because the truth is most of us are far from experts. For many of us, until we became parents, we didn’t know much about the day in and day out tasks of being a parent. We are truly learning on the job.
Compassion for self
When we are able to accept that we don’t know it all and that that is OK, we are able to have grace with ourselves. My internal dialogue would have changed from “Crap, I’ve been doing it wrong for a year” to “That’s a really clever and new way of thinking about that. I’ll try it that way tomorrow and see how it feels.” Stepping out of shame and into compassion also makes it easier for us to apologize to our little one’s because we realize that fallibility is a normal part of being human. In any relationship, it’s not about never messing up. It’s about making sure you know how to repair the rupture, how to mend the heart. A genuine apology goes a long way in repairing.
Parent with intention
Examine and realize the values you are looking to impart. Hold space for that global intention and let it lead your choices and behaviors as a parent. For example, my primary intention as a mom of two boys is to raise sensitive, gentle, and kind men that make the world a better place for everyone, not just themselves or only people that look like them. So one of the things I choose to focus on is information that helps me understand how to best educate them about their own emotions and ultimately how I can teach them to have empathy for others so that this shows up in kind actions and choices. Let your global intention be the filter through which you take in all this information. Take what you can and leave the rest because the truth is, you don’t need it all.
Know your source
We live in an age where anyone can open a social media account and start talking about any topic. I believe there are actually more benefits than costs to this privilege. However, with this privilege comes great responsibility. Know the credentials of the person or persons you are subscribing too. There are plenty of people out there with simply a lot of lived experience and no fancy degree that offer awesome and valuable information. For example, there are some amazing mama’s out there that offer insights into parenting and brilliant parenting hacks. They have this knowledge because they are on the frontlines of parenting. So it’s not about ruling out people without related educational backgrounds, it’s about knowing the competencies of the source so you can decide if you feel they are trustworthy and the place you want to be getting information. This will help reduce overwhelm by hopefully helping you whittle your sources down to only the few you think are really valuable and competent. Just like friendships, quality is better than quantity.
Perfection is Not the Goal
Your kids don’t need nor would they benefit from a perfect parent. They need mistakes. They need to hear you say “I’m sorry” and show corrective action. They need you. All of you. We are better able to show up as our best selves when we’ve stepped out of shame-based parenting and into a space of compassion for ourselves, our partners, our own mama’s, and for our little people.
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