The Art of Co-parenting with My…
Before you had a child, did you discuss what parenting might look like if separation or divorce occurred? The answer is likely, “No, why would you” or something to that effect. It is uncomfortable and feels like impending doom to even mention the D word, let alone discuss it. However, given that the rate of divorce is about 50%, it seems like it might be a good thing to think about, and perhaps discuss.
So, let’s talk about it, now. Parenting is hard enough but throw in other circumstances like single parenting due to death, illness, separation, divorce, or work. What about parenting with an ex-partner? This can get messy and downright ugly. It can also be an opportunity to display respect, problem-solving, teamwork, and excellent communication skills to your child(ren).
Co-Parenting 101
If you are wondering how to co-parent because you are in the process or have already separated and divorced, this article is meant for you. Maybe, you have tried to co-parent but it hasn’t gone well. First off, if you have tried to but keep facing roadblock after roadblock, I hear you. It isn’t easy. There may be many obstacles that make it extremely challenging or near impossible. Remember, you can only control you, your reactions, your communication, and your parenting. Co-parenting involves more than one person; therefore, it is really hard for those out there trying to do everything in their power to co-parent but don’t have a cooperative ex-partner.
Factors Making Co-Parenting Challenging or Near Impossible
While many caregivers wish they could co-parent peacefully, this is not always realistic, healthy, or possible. There are many reasons this might be a problem. Although there are many, here are a few that come to mind. If one of these rings true for you, then you often have to have a detailed legally-binding parenting plan. Often caregivers have to involve a guardian ad litem,
1. One parent has a treated or untreated mental health condition (i.e., bipolar disorder, substance abuse, severe depression, personality disorder, etc.) or medical illness that:
(a) limits their day-to-day functioning,
(b) distorts reality and makes skewed assumptions
(c) causes inconsistency and instability, or
(d) results in poor judgement.
2. One parent has custodial rights revoked or suspended, usually due to prison, probation, child protective services involvement, ongoing investigation, etc.
3. Major conflict between the caregivers over parenting, time, money, intentions of a parent, and more.
4. One parent is abusive, toxic, or impossible to work with.
(a) One parent wants to win or always be right.
(b) One parent undermines the other as a means to sabotage them or their relationship with the child.
(C) One parent is resentful, jealous, or angry.
(d) You fill in the BLANK.
Factors Making Co-Parenting Possible
Okay, so what now? What about all the other parenting things that are not outlined in the parenting plan (see more later on) like when the kids go to bed, completing homework, making sure they take their medication, transportation to extra-curricular activities, rules in the home, etc. The list can go on and on. What do you do?
1. Take a deep breath regularly and consistently and let go of control. We can’t micromanage the other parent and what goes on in their home. As long as your kid is safe, alive, and healthy, you might have to relinquish control. This is not easy and can be downright terrifying.
2. Communicate together. Schedule a time and day to discuss parenting questions and concerns. Perhaps, schedule it for once a month. Pick a neutral place to meet like a coffee shop or park if going to one another’s home is too much! A virtual meeting is also a great option. List the topics to discuss from both parties. Write them down and try to get to all the topics within the set time.
3. Create boundaries or outline the perimeters. If one person starts to talk about anything other than your child and parenting concerns, gently remind the person to stay on topic. You might also need to establish boundaries about how you all communicate to one another with tone, but also the frequency and method of talking (e.g., emailing, texting, calling, etc.). What is important is that the line of communication is open and as mutually agreed upon as possible.
You will likely need a format like email to communicate lengthier topics, but also another more efficient method for things like emergencies, when kids forget a bookbag or travel bag in the car, school calls because your kid needs to be picked up, etc. This is very different from one parent who is blowing up your phone at all times.
4. Avoid things/phrases/topics that trigger or set-off the other person in front of your kid. Discuss calmly how certain topics are triggering and a recipe for strong emotional reactions. Allow for one person to walk away if things are too heated. This is different from stonewalling. It is best to reconvene after a few minutes or another time. We all tend to do or say things we regret if we are emotionally too charged!
5. Express frustration and other feelings with friends/family/ therapist and NOT to your kid! Let’s face it…there will be conflict. However, it is never okay to say hurtful and unkind things about your ex-partner in the presence of your child. I actually think this applies to all people and situations. If you need to vent, do it to friends, family, or your therapist. Please don’t put their parent down. They likely have lots of complicated and mixed feelings already. Let them figure things out on their own. This will likely happen the older your child gets. This will often hurt your integrity and relationship with your child later on.
6. Develop a clear schedule that also problem-solves about transportation and transitions. If there is ambiguity, it will cause more frustration, more resentment, and unnecessary communication strife. Try to keep the schedule as consistent as possible for the sake of the co-parenting plan and more importantly, the kid(s). Routine and schedules will help reduce conflict but also significantly help your kid.
7. Co-exist in the same room at kid(s) functions like recitals, sporting events, birthdays, and perhaps some holidays. It helps your child see that you can support them and overcome obstacles in a healthy way. This doesn’t mean you have to be best friends, but it does mean that you can be friendly.
How to Co-parent Through Shared Values
The way we raise our children often stems from our own value system. Typically, we teach our offspring things we learned or wish we had learned from our own childhoods that we find important like religious beliefs, finances, independence, physical wellness, cleanliness, work ethic, and health, etc. The list can go on. Think for a moment, what are some of you values that you have painstakingly tried to teach your child?
Did your ex-partner once have similar shared values? Do they still have similar values? This is perhaps a way to connect with your ex-partner as you encourage and navigate co-parenting strategies. It might sound something like this,
“I know there are lots of reasons that we are in this position. What I really want to focus on today is how we can parent our child the best way possible so they may not suffer as much. I know we both value raising our child who is kind, driven, open-minded, forgiving, and the list goes on. In order to cultivate this in our child, we need to be on the same page as much as possible. What do you think? Is this something we can try to do together and put our feelings and differences aside for our child?”
While co-parenting is hard, it is also worthwhile for the sake of the child. If all else fails, consider a detailed and specific parenting plan. A parenting plan is a legally binding contract for caregivers to follow. When parents can’t get on the same-page, a parenting plan is the way to go. They can be concise and direct, while others are much more involved and detailed. See below for more.
Parenting Plan
Parenting plans are great because it helps both parties know the rules or boundaries. It is also extremely helpful and necessary for others like schools, medical professionals, etc. To learn more of the legal aspects of a parenting plan, click on the link. All parenting plans have critical information about who has legal/parental rights for various scenarios like educational rights, medical rights, etc. You might both have rights for all of it, while others may have selected rights. This is important because you may not be able to have your child receive medical treatment or mental health services without both parents’ signatures, unless in an emergency situation. This plan will also have who pays for services that are rendered. Therefore, be familiar with your plan!
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Resources for this article
https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/guardian_ad_litem
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/
https://www.tncourts.gov/programs/parenting-plan-info/about-parenting-plan#:~:text=A%20Parenting%20Plan%20is%20way,for%20the%20children%20of%20divorce.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm